Portland Relationship Counselor Gives Relationship Tips: Stop Blaming

February 16, 2011 by

This Portland relationship counselor has many opportunities to challenge couples to “put down the magnifying glass and to pick up the mirror”. Let’s look closely at this relationship tip and see what it really means. I have seen hundreds of couples unconsciously engage in the habit of looking at and verbalizing the partner’s flaws and even magnifying those flaws. This makes for a poor strategy to bring closeness and connection.  Instead it brings hurt and alienation.

Do you often examine your partner’s motives and behavior, scrutinizing character traits to find fault? Take this relationship tip; it will never help things change to hold the other’s actions under the magnifying glass.  What helps make lasting changes is putting down that magnifying glass and looking into the mirror at your own behaviors. We all sometimes take for granted that our judgments and reactions are correct and normal. We don’t like what our partner is doing so it must be wrong, terrible or bad. Then we respond to our partner with reactive behaviors of our own. After we react, they react to our reaction and we find ourselves in a unnecessary conflict.  Read on to learn how to do this differently and to get out of this destructive pattern.

Portland Relationship Counselor has Relationship Tips: Look at Your Behavior

“Picking up the mirror” means that when you are unhappy with your relationship you look at our own contribution. You look at yourself first and make an honest assessment of how you are behaving that is contributing to the problems. You are they only person you can change. If there is a problem in your relationship, guess what? You are 50% of that problem. Look first at your 50% to see what you are doing and ask yourself what you are willing to start doing differently. Then if you still want to talk to your partner about his or her contribution, try this approach, “I would like to talk to you about how I am behaving that contributes to our disconnection (upset, distance, etc.). Are you willing to listen to me?”

When I see this happen in my role as a Portland Relationship Counselor I watch miracles occur. When you stop looking for and finding faults in your partner, and instead look at yourself, you will begin to see wonderful progress toward connection, love and respect in your marriage.

If we can help you learn more tools or sharpen the ones you have, give us a call or register for one of our educational workshops.   If you would like to make an appointment with a Portland Relationship Counselor you can call us at 502-234-4440. And don’t forget to check out our Free Resources.