Portland Marriage Counselor Teaches Emotional Safety

November 11, 2010 by

As a Portland marriage counselor I regularly hear about the challenge of emotions in relationships. Emotional needs, buttons and issues need to be understood in order to feel connected. In addition, each partner must come to see his or her own emotional blind-spots and help to create emotional safety. Consider this relationship advice you must take responsibility for your own emotions.

Often I hear a partner push for emotional honesty in the marriage. But wait, is emotional honesty an opportunity for you to look at yourself, or an excuse to criticize your partner? Examine your true motives.

Manage Your Own Emotions says Portland Marriage Counselor

Useful relationship advice needs to include the fundamentals of making your partner feel safe. High emotional arousal affects relationships. In order to make your partner feel safe you must manage your intense emotions yourself. Do not confuse real intimacy with emotional outpouring. If that expression contains a torrent of blame, criticism or shaming, your partner will either shut off in “flee mode” or attack back in “fight mode”.

Notice how you express your wants and desires and if the amount of emotional expression is truly correlated with the intensity of the actual situation. If you are more upset than is warranted by the problem, such as being furious if you are interrupted, then your reaction is more about the house you grew up in than the one you occupy now. Think about the adage, “the hysteric is historic”. In other words, if I am super upset, something from my past is activated and my present company does not deserve a huge flood of my emotions. We manage our emotions best when we remember that “what I think, what I feel and what I do is more about me than it is about you and vice versa.”

If you need to find a good Portland marriage counselor or would like learn more about managing your emotions visit our website where you will find free resources, relationship advice and services. You can also contact us for a free consultation.