Learn How to Talk About an Affair from a Portland Marriage Counselor

December 4, 2012 by

As a Portland marriage counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the devastation that affairs can cause to relationships. No one likes to discover that their partner has betrayed their trust and gone outside of their marriage looking for intimacy.

But some people – even ones who are truly sorry for what they’ve done and have a strong desire to make things right – actually cause further relationship issues by not knowing how to talk about their affair with their partner.

Portland Marriage Counselor: How to Talk About Your Affair

Some of you might think that a lot of these tips seem obvious – and I would agree – but I’ve seen far too many people make the mistakes not to mention them.

Don’t avoid it. One of the biggest problems that those guilty of affairs make is in having an unwillingness to talk about the details. You might not want to revisit the things you’ve done or fear that bringing them up will simply hurt your spouse more, but oftentimes a blow-by-blow is exactly what he or she needs. Knowing precisely what happened can stop them from wondering and imagining even worse scenarios. Of course, you always want to…

Follow their lead. If they ask you for information, tell them, but if they don’t, it’s not your job to reveal the minutiae. You need to let your spouse tell you what he or she needs from you and – no matter what it is – be willing to provide it. Otherwise, you can just make your relationship issues worse.

Always be honest. Along those lines, you should know that the time of deceiving your spouse (even for seemingly small things like having beers with coworkers after your shift or not telling them about money you spent) is over. In order to rebuild your relationship, you need to regain trust, and that’s something that will take a lot of time and effort.

Don’t blame. Hopefully, a lot of you are shaking your heads and saying, “What?” Good. Of course the person who cheated shouldn’t blame, but it can be a tough balancing act if you’re also trying to be honest and part of the reason you strayed is because intimacy was not to be found at home. The key is to take responsibility while still truthfully answering any questions.

A Portland Marriage Counselor Can Help

None of this is easy, and there are bound to be a lot of missteps that you take along the way. So if you feel like saving your marriage is just too tall an order to achieve without professional help, contact a Portland marriage counselor today.