Bend Marriage Counselor Says: Stop the Blame Game! Part I

August 25, 2010 by

This marriage counselor often sees a theme emerge in marriages when partners struggle with their differences. It usually comes after the glow of the initial honeymoon or romantic stage of our relationship when we begin to realize that our marriage isn’t all we imagined it would be or that it now takes work.  This is actually normal.  In the words of Harville Hendrix, author of the book Getting The Love You Want: “you are married to someone else who is not you”. I call this “The Blame Game” and no matter where it starts it can be deadly. Read on and take this relationship advice.

In some marriages it starts as little jabs. “I thought you were going to have steak tonight, like we always do” or “why do you shut down when we talk”. These jabs can escalate to “you never remember my favorite food” or “you always walk away when I’m talking to you”.  Over time these jabs can grow more viscous. Eventually we can freeze our partner into an image in our minds that will invariably bring more and more discontent with our marriage.

Marriage Counselor Tells You Why the Blame Game Starts

“The Blame Game” can also get started when there has been loss and/or trauma like the death of a child or parent, a car accident, severe illness, depression or an affair. Events like these can leave us feeling angry, hurt, cheated and depressed. As a cover for our own unexpressed feelings we can inadvertently place blame on our partner. These losses can be a game changer, as we tell ourselves that this was not the way our marriage was supposed to turn out. These feelings can leave us helpless and resentful and can lead to divorce— another loss.  No matter how discouraged you are with your marriage you can reverse course by stopping The Blame Game. If you need help to resolve your poor habits, consider seeing a marriage counselor. To find help and sound relationship advice, visit our website.

Next time Part II: Marriage Counselor Gives Relationship Advice to Help Stop the Blame Game