When a Man Hears “Not tonight honey…” he hears, “I don’t care about you”. A dilemma marriage counselors have long observed.

April 30, 2010 by

Sex is how men express their love. Marriage counselors have tried to help female partners understand this fact for years. Sexual passion occurs for a man when he feels his strongest emotional passion.

In her book, The Male Brain, neuro-psychiatrist Louann Brizendine claims to have decoded how and why men think the way they do. She believes that the meaning of men’s sexual desire is the one thing most misunderstood about men by their female partners.  The book explores how men and women’s brain differ and how these differences result in expressing love differently. The author’s work is on the healthy male brain and is not meant o cover the issues of men such as Tiger Woods have with serial cheating.

Marriage Counselors Suggest Accepting Differences, Not making judgments

In my 30 years as a marriage counselor I have seen the issue play out hundreds of times just as Dr. Brizendine describes, “A woman will call me up and say, "You've gotta save my marriage -- my husband is threatening to leave if I don't get more interested in sex!" When the couple is sitting in front of me, I'll say ask the man, "How do you know your wife loves you?" He'll say, "Because she wants to have sex with me!" But when I ask the woman the same question, she answers, "Because he wants to cuddle and talk with me." It's usually a big aha moment for both. Understanding the biological state of another person can very helpful -- then, we can stop blaming each other for being different.”

In our couple’s workshop, Getting the Love you Want, we teach couples to understand the differences in our brains and to work with those differences versus feeling threatened or making negative judgments.  In sessions, Tim Higdon and I both work hard with couples to have a deeper understanding about their different Love Languages.

AOL health columnist, Michele Burford, gives some great advice in her online column, “When you reject your partner's sexual advances, you hit the guy more deeply than he will ever admit to you. If you're going to turn him down, find a way to do it gently. It's one of the most loving things you can do.” To read the rest of the interesting interview with the author, click the link above.

This marriage counselor hopes that if you are doing a good deal of turning away sexual advances that you will seek marriage counseling from an Imago therapist. If sex is about romantic passion and love then it is vital that couples have their sexual love language spoken regularly.

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