When I read that question something rang true. In my Portland marriage counseling practice I encounter couple’s difficulties with maintaining a happy sex life. In the hunt for a medical treatment for low female libido, of which the author says several companies are closing in, are we over looking how life style and priorities are affecting sex drive?

Don’t overlook the effect of stress, warns Portland marriage counselor

I suspect we do tend to overlook the effect stress and media messages have on libido. Tension from the pressure to succeed is not really an aphrodisiac. Hollywood no longer gives us impressions of sensuality as voluptuous and enticing. Instead we are exposed to graphic sexuality and unreasonably thin, buffed and flawless bodies. Is our sexual appetite waning because we are burnt out and desensitized to the real human form?

Ultimately if your relationship is suffering from a loss of intimacy, you could consider getting help and resources from a reputable source. Understanding what causes a problem is 50% of solving it. Don’t get stuck in the trend that Paglia calls “No sex please, we are middle-class”.  Don’t forget to check out what this Portland marriage counselor created in free resources for you.

• Stress
• Relationship Problems
• Alcohol
• Parenting (privacy problems)
• Too little sleep
• Medication
• Body image
• Obesity
• Low testosterone
• Depression
• Menopause
• Too little intimacy (talking, snuggling, hand holding)

What Portland, Oregon Marriage Counselor Believes You Can Do

If you are experiencing a low sex drive you should first see your doctor and determine if there may be hormonal or other physical problems. If you are not sleeping well be sure to let your doctor know that as well. It could be a problem with your lifestyle, but also it could be health related. If you take an anti-depressant you can consult your prescriber about the possible side effects.

If you are struggling with depression, relationship problems, self-esteem issues, stress or parenting problems you should talk to a Portland, Oregon marriage counselor such as me. If I am not the right fit for you, I will make an appropriate referral.

Some women don’t feel that they fit any of the categories above, but still have lost their sex drive. There are some simple and effective things you can try if this is the case for you.

• Think more often about sex. Men think about sex frequently and automatically. Women do not.  Maybe because we are encouraged not to, maybe it is biological. But when something is in your top-of-mind-awareness, it comes to mind easily. Think back during the day on some of the nicest sexual encounters you have had with your honey. Savor the memories.
• Exercise regularly. Libido increases as you increase regularity and duration of cardio-vascular exercise.
• Make out with your honey for ten minutes and see what comes of it. Relax and kiss, stroke each other’s arms and let nature take its course. You may feel sexier, you may continue on and make love and lease of the benefit will be in the increase in oxytocin in your bloodstream.  It is a feel good and bonding hormone.
• Make sure your partner knows what you need sexually. Too many women do not tell their partner’s how to make love to them. Your lover can’t read your mind. Share your “owner’s manual”!

A marriage counselor can help you with any of these issues that you relate to. Give us a call or visit our website for more free relationship advice.

Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who specializes in love and romance has some interesting things to say in an article in Oprah magazine. Fisher points out, and this marriage counselor agrees, that the most powerful aphrodisiacs are located in our bodies. Fisher’s relationship advice is that our libido is affected by three brain systems: lust, trust and love, and we can improve on the functioning of each system.

Portland, Oregon Marriage Counselor Suggests that You Can Naturally Improve Your Sex Drive

Each system has its own hormone that increases the libido. Let’s look at what Fisher says about each one.

Lust: Lust comes primarily from testosterone. Women have this hormone too, and its presence increases sexual desire. One way of increasing your level of testosterone is to play a competitive sport. Women get a big boost in testosterone levels from competition. Also, making love increases production, so the more you make love, the more you will want to make love.

Trust: Feelings of trust and attachment are fostered by the hormone oxytocin and women have more sex drive when they feel safe and attached. Oxytocin administered to arguing couples, has the effect of relieving their conflict. The better you get along, the more you will feel like making love. You can stimulate oxytocin production naturally with touch. Take this relationship advice: hold hands while you watch TV, trade massages or cuddle in bed.

Love: The last hormone that affects your sex drive is dopamine, a key player in the brain’s pleasure center that’s been found to promote romantic love. In my role as a marriage counselor I am keenly aware that once the novelty wears off for a couple, their sex life is in jeopardy. Read what Fisher has to say about the effect of novelty on your libido, “Research shows that novelty—taking risks or trying something new—can trigger the release of dopamine in the brain. I’m not just talking about novelty in the bedroom (although that would be a good start). You can get the same effect from sampling a new type of cuisine together or riding the roller coaster at an amusement park.” Wow, who would have thought that trying one of Portland’s fabulous restaurants might end up with a homemade dessert!

Next week, look for Part II of Improving your Libido.

To read Fisher’s article, see this link: Oprah article. For more free relationship advice visit our page: Free Resources. For a quality marriage counselor in Portland, Oregon, give us a call at Portland Relationship Center.

In her book, The Male Brain, neuro-psychiatrist Louann Brizendine claims to have decoded how and why men think the way they do. She believes that the meaning of men’s sexual desire is the one thing most misunderstood about men by their female partners.  The book explores how men and women’s brain differ and how these differences result in expressing love differently. The author’s work is on the healthy male brain and is not meant o cover the issues of men such as Tiger Woods have with serial cheating.

Marriage Counselors Suggest Accepting Differences, Not making judgments

In my 30 years as a marriage counselor I have seen the issue play out hundreds of times just as Dr. Brizendine describes, “A woman will call me up and say, “You’ve gotta save my marriage — my husband is threatening to leave if I don’t get more interested in sex!” When the couple is sitting in front of me, I’ll say ask the man, “How do you know your wife loves you?” He’ll say, “Because she wants to have sex with me!” But when I ask the woman the same question, she answers, “Because he wants to cuddle and talk with me.” It’s usually a big aha moment for both. Understanding the biological state of another person can very helpful — then, we can stop blaming each other for being different.”

In our couple’s workshop, Getting the Love you Want, we teach couples to understand the differences in our brains and to work with those differences versus feeling threatened or making negative judgments.  In sessions, Tim Higdon and I both work hard with couples to have a deeper understanding about their different Love Languages.

AOL health columnist, Michele Burford, gives some great advice in her online column, “When you reject your partner’s sexual advances, you hit the guy more deeply than he will ever admit to you. If you’re going to turn him down, find a way to do it gently. It’s one of the most loving things you can do.” To read the rest of the interesting interview with the author, click the link above.

This marriage counselor hopes that if you are doing a good deal of turning away sexual advances that you will seek marriage counseling from an Imago therapist. If sex is about romantic passion and love then it is vital that couples have their sexual love language spoken regularly.

Visit our website for Free Resources that can start helping your marriage today.

In my professional marriage counseling I have heard all sorts of reasons for sleeping apart or going to bed at different times (and been guilty of my own set of excuses). People blame their snoring, insomnia and different biorhythms. But when couples tell me that their marriage has become sexless and distant I ask them about their bedtime rituals.  Almost always they report for one reason or another that they retire at different times and even in different beds.

Dr. William Doherty who wrote Take back Your Marriage says, “The first phase of a dance is being on the dance floor together at the same time, next to each other.”  There are ways around all of the problems that make it more comfortable to sleep apart. The fact is, if you want more sex, fun and intimacy in your marriage you must be willing to stop putting your own needs first all of the time and think about what the relationship needs. Imagine what going to bed together most nights, in the nude, could do for your sense of connection. Talking, snuggling and kissing for a few minutes each night, sans clothing, could turn any sexless marriage into a sexy romance. Plus…it might just cure your insomnia, make you sleep like a baby and make your tolerance for a noisy and restless partner much higher.

If you can relate to one or more of those causes you may want to consider the consequences of abandoning your sexual relationship. Relationship counselors agree that marriages need sex. “A couple’s sex life is the number one best barometer of how well their marriage is going,” said Dr. John Friel, psychologist and bestselling author of The 7 Best Things happy Couples Do.

Marriage, he says, is by definition a sexual relationship, and if sex has gone by the wayside, so too has the marriage. If you are in a sexless marriage, “you can’t call it a marriage. You can call it a friendship. You can call it a working, parenting relationship.”

I invite you to take the quiz created by sex therapist David Schnarch by clicking here. You may learn that your marriage is above the national average and have a sexy celebration with your sweetheart tonight, or you may learn that you are putting your marriage at risk.