Essentially, single people who want children but fear divorce and other relationship issues are deciding in larger and larger numbers to go it alone and raise a child – or children – as single parents. Many of these people believe that being in no relationship is better than a bad relationship, or simply don’t believe that marriage and parenthood have to, or even should, necessarily go together.

This thought process seems to be borne out by the picture in popular culture of parenthood getting in the way of relationships, and it’s hard to argue with this. Simply put, kids make things more difficult for couples. They cause rifts and relationship issues by their very existence. I see this firsthand as a Portland marriage counselor with my clients who have children. Their priority is their children, which often really means something like:

1. Children
2. Jobs so they have money to support children
3. Their relationship

Parenthood can’t help but displace your relationship as the most important thing in your life, and you’ll most likely have to work harder in your relationship to keep things as good as they were before you had children.

If things are just going to go south anyway, why even bother with the whole relationship or marriage thing? That seems to be the thought process, anyway.

Here’s where things get interesting, however. A separate report from Stateofourunions.org cites information saying that cohabiting parents are happier and suffer fewer bouts of depression than single parents, and married couples are the happiest parents of all.

Married Parents Are Happier and Have Fewer Relationship Issues

Now, before you and your spouse decide to solve your problems with your own little bundle of joy, take care to read carefully. Of all parents, married couples are the happiest. There are plenty of very happy couples out there who don’t have children.

If parenthood is something you want in your life, though, it seems like it’s a pretty good reason to work through your relationship issues with your spouse so that you can stay together in a happy marriage when you do have children. And while married parents do have to work harder to find satisfaction in their relationship, they also say that they feel more meaning in their lives when compared to couples without children.

It makes quite a bit of sense if you think about it. Becoming a parent, while amazing and joyful and beautiful, is also an exhausting nightmare of worry and sleeplessness and responsibility. As a single parent, you have to deal with all of that alone. But if you’re married, someone is there to share both the burden and the joy. And unlike an unmarried live-in partner, your husband or wife may be more likely to work through problems rather than simply leaving.

If you and your spouse are considering having children, contact a Portland marriage counselor today to work through relationship issues.

But of course, finances aren’t the only concerns that stop couples from expanding their family. Ongoing marriage problems can keep couples from being ready to take the next big step, too.

Address Relationship Issues before Having a Baby

From my work in Portland marriage counseling, I can tell you that marriage problems don’t get any easier to deal with once children enter the picture. Some couples believe that having a child together will somehow fix things by strengthening the bond they have, but this is not often the case. Of course, a new baby is wonderful and can make you feel more connected to your spouse, but it’s also another responsibility which leaves you less time to focus on the health of your relationship. If you think it’s hard to find time for date night now, wait until you’re changing diapers and coddling a crying infant.

A new baby puts additional stress on your relationship, and you want to make sure that both of you are ready to handle it together. If you’re considering having a child or expecting a baby, one of the best things you can do to prepare for parenthood is to focus on improving your relationship skills. If you need help talking through relationship issues, I encourage you to seek Portland marriage counseling.

Unfortunately, what’s nearly impossible to see when you’re sleeping in half-hour shifts and swimming in dirty diapers is that it’s not the person you fell in love with that has changed, it’s your situation. And, let’s be honest, you. Who wouldn’t have relationship issues when they are sleep-deprived and constantly catering to the demands of a crying roommate who can’t do anything for him or herself? It’s normal, it’s natural, just about everyone goes through it, and it really stinks – even worse than those diapers!

Portland Marriage Counseling: What Happened to Us?

Having a baby changes both of you. Your life becomes about taking care of them and you will most likely feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself and your relationship. This doesn’t, however, mean that it has to stay lost. It may seem like you have no time to work on your relationship issues with an infant in the house, but that just means you have to work even harder – and smarter – to stay connected.

In Portland marriage counseling, I talk to my clients about finding sweet little moments instead of planning bigger things. You probably won’t be able to go out to the movies or a nice romantic dinner for a while, so take advantage of the ten minutes when baby is finally asleep and you’re both awake to actually talk to each other. Or if you’ve got backup (i.e. a relative or friend at the house), leave and go for a short walk alone around the neighborhood. Relish being alone together for whatever time you can get.

Also: plan. I’m fairly certain that more relationship issues between new parents have been caused by the increased amount of chores (and the related less amount of sleep) than anything else. Creating a daily or weekly chore list and splitting and switching up the responsibilities will help in a number of ways. There’s less chance of someone forgetting something, which with your lack of sleep will probably cause a fight. It will lower the amount of resentment you feel towards each other if you can see who is doing what and realize that you both probably feel like you’re doing 90 percent of the work. And finally, using some kind of organizational system just might provide you with a few extra minutes of downtime that you can use to sleep or spend time with each other – either one will help to improve your relationship.

If you and your spouse want more tips on surviving the relationship issues caused by a new baby, check out Portland marriage counseling.

For example, if it is important to you that your child becomes a better reader, takes up a musical instrument, or joins a sport, many parents try the usual tactics: nagging, reprimands, and huge incentives. But in the end, force just doesn’t work. In fact, the more desperate you seem, the more your child will resist.

Relationship Advice: Start by Talking to Your Partner

Sit down with your partner and define goals. Let’s say you want your child to take up a musical instrument. Together you can work toward influencing your child in this direction. You can use environmental cues, such as leaving musical instruments around the home or playing classical music. You can “model” the desired behavior by playing an instrument yourself.

When it comes time to offer your child musical lessons, be sure to provide options. Just because you played the trumpet, doesn’t mean your child will be interested in it. And it can also be helpful to let your child know that they have control. If your child doesn’t like a particular instrument after a month of lessons, no problem, he or she can move on to something else.

Together, you and your spouse can create an environment that encourages your child to take an interest in music. By taking on the same strategy, you will be more effective than you would be working alone or by trying competing approaches. But it all starts with that initial conversation where you decide on goals together and support each other.

If you are having trouble communicating and need relationship advice, consider working on becoming better partners and better parents in Portland relationship counseling.

Stepfamilies Can Find Peace says Portland Marriage Counselor

Stepchildren build their opinions about the stepparent based on their perceived benefits of the stepparent. If the child sees the stepparent as adding emotional or financial benefits to the family, then the child will be accepting and positive. Here is where good communication comes in. As a Portland marriage counselor I know that the parents in the stepfamily must have a strong bond and good communication. From that good bond and communication flows a sense of security and well being to the children. That is the sort of emotional benefit that children easily recognize.

The stepparent first and foremost must develop a FRIENDSHIP with the stepchildren. The new parent cannot rush in and discipline or even guide the child. That relationship must be developed over years of interacting. Again, communication is key here…between the parents and within the family. A wise stepparent will not rush in and discipline, but will need to talk openly, respectfully and vulnerably to their spouse about the stepchildren’s behaviors.

The biological parents have a very strong impact on the stepchild’s perception of the stepparent. If other third parents such as biological parents, grandparents or siblings are disparaging about the stepparent it will be more difficult for the family to blend comfortably. In this case it is essential to find professional help for the blending couple and for the children. These sorts of factors test the limits of your communication abilities and most of us cannot face the problems alone.

If you are having difficulty with your communication and conflict style in your blended family, let us help. 60-80% of remarriages end in divorce. Visit a Portland marriage counselor to learn the tools and beat the odds! Visit our website for free resources so we can start helping you now.

Let’s Stick Together: the Relationship Book for New Parents is about to be released and is written by Harry Benson. In an interview with Mr. Benson he stated, “Family breakdown causes untold heartache, and can contribute to poverty and adverse mental and physical health. It occurs most often in the early years of parenthood, when a couple’s relationship is especially vulnerable as their main focus shifts from each other to their children, at a stressful, busy and often exhausting time. By a child’s 5th birthday, 1 in 3 unmarried parents and 1 in 12 married parents have split up.” (More in a future blog about why it might be that unmarried parents have such a higher casualty rate.)

To this Portland marriage counselor, those are unacceptable statistics! The book focuses on a wide range of areas, including good and bad habits, love languages, and fathers’ involvement, all of which will help couples to safeguard their relationship at this vulnerable time.

Marriage Counseling-Sleep Disturbances

One of the very common issues I hear about in my marriage counseling is that of the sleep disturbances of parents of young children. Couples report feeling exhaustion, frustration, despair and irritability. The sleepless nights do nothing to enhance the intimacy and emotional connection of the couple. Sleeping through the Night, by Jodi Mindell, PhD has been given rave reviews by parents and by the OHSU Sleep Disorders Center of Portland. Getting enough sleep is critical, and if we don’t get enough we can become critical. Any marriage counselor can attest to the damage infant and toddlers sleep disturbances does to a marriage.

Safeguard your marriage by attending a marriage education workshop such as ours (attend one of our couples workshops) and then consider entering marriage counseling for the best results. The combination of education, self study (reading on your own) and marriage counseling can’t be beat. Let us know if we can help.

Be the 1 in 3 couple who is still together after navigating the early years of parenting! 

Think you might need the help of a marriage counselor in Portland then call for your complimentary consultation and let’s see.

First, recognize that adolescence is a developmental stage where teenager issues will come up inevitably and dealing with teens is a challenge. During this time, your child is driven to learn about intimacy and relationships not academics. They are “practicing adults”, not yet capable of full self-sufficiency. The way teenagers learn to be adults is by pulling away from their parents to find their own identity. They will explore the world more and more on their own terms. This is the nature of this stage. Parents can ease their own anxiety by recognizing this developmental pulse as normal.

Second, if you want your teenager to listen, model it first. Be curious about your teenagers thinking, feelings, ideas and adolescent problems. If they don’t want to talk, tell them what you “imagine” they might be thinking and allow them to respond. Knowing that you have a clue about what they might be going through often opens the door for them to express their feelings.

Third, avoid the temptation to interrupt, interpret, or make comments. Instead, check to make sure they feel listened to and
understood. If not, ask them to clarify until they feel understood.

Teenager Issues On Listening – Parting Shot

Lastly, ask if you can share your thoughts. In dealing with teens, it is almost universal that teenagers will listen when they feel “heard” first. Be careful not to judge or criticize. They will stop listening. Instead, state your concerns as questions. Ask—“How will you handle…?” or “what are your thoughts about…?”  Then follow with your comments about what you might do differently. End with, “I hope you’ll give it some thought.”

Learning to listen first gives your teen the feeling that you are safe to talk to about their struggles and problems. Paradoxically,
they will return the favor and you will have less problems with your teen.

Looking for more on teenager issues then go to our free resources section now.