The study was conducted by researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project. They quizzed 2,870 married men and women on the role of generosity in their relationships. As it was defined, generosity could mean anything from expressing affection and forgiving your spouse to simply making coffee for them in the morning.

The people who scored highest in generosity – not the ones whose spouses are being generous to them, but those who act generously to their significant others – reported the fewest marriage problems and had the highest likelihood of calling their relationship “very happy.”

I often talk about commitment, communication, and intimacy, but being generous towards each other is something that seems to be just as important.

Portland Relationship Counselor: Better for Couples, Better for Children

Interestingly, whether or not you are generous in your relationship seemed to have even more of an effect on those couples with children. Only 14 percent of those with lower generosity scored were “very happy,” compared to 50 percent with higher scores.

Part of this may be attributed to the finding that more generous parents have more generous offspring, creating a sort of cycle of good feelings in the family. Even better, researchers believe that generous children are more likely to continue the behavior, which should lead to better relationships – and fewer marriage problems! – for them.
How can you and your partner become “generous”? John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, finds that happy “generous” couples say or do five positive things for every negative interaction. If you would like to learn what you and your spouse can do to show your generosity towards each other, contact a Portland relationship counselor today.

So does that mean you should just sit back and accept the fact that your spouse will just never help with the dishes or start exercising? No way! There are many ways that you can communicate to your partner without resorting to complaining.

Ask nicely. Recognize that your partner can’t read your mind, and a room that seems messy to you may seem perfectly acceptable to your spouse. Instead of starting out with an attack, check your anger. This will just put your spouse into a defensive mode and make it hard for him or her to hear what you have to say. At Portland Relationship Center we can teach you a process to ask for what you need without blaming, shaming or criticizing.

Consider hiring a maid service. If you’re both working professionals and you’re having trouble dividing up the household chores, part of the problem might be that neither of you really have time. Asking for professional help may also make your partner realize that the housework is too much for just one person to handle.

Say thank you. Every time your spouse forgets to do a task you’ve nagged him or her about, you make it a point to let him know how you feel about it, but what about the times that your partner does things right? Most people are more motivated by positive feedback than negative feedback, so lavish on the praise!

Consider your partner’s point-of-view. If you bombard your spouse the moment she walks in the door from work, she may find the request overwhelming. Or maybe you’re bringing it up during an important football game or too early in the morning. Think about what’s the best time to bring it up – for your partner, not just for you!

Get relationship advice from a Portland marriage counselor. If you’re still having trouble talking about what’s bugging you, consider seeking professional help. You can both learn to communicate better about all the issues you face together. Call our offices today for the relationship advice you need.

What about Relationship Problems in Portland?

How are we doing in Oregon? Not well. There are many states that fare far worse, but our divorce rates are a little higher than the averages in the South.

What does that mean for you? If you live in an area where divorce is more prevalent and you are experiencing relationship problems, are you doomed to get a divorce? No way! If you and your partner are committed to working it through, I believe that it’s possible. Seeking Portland marriage counseling is a great first step towards repairing your relationship and preventing divorce.

However, understanding these statistics can help you to be aware of attitudes toward marriage and divorce in your area. A recent study has shown that your chances of divorce are 75% higher if you have friends or family members that are splitting up, so it can benefit you to form relationships with other committed couples and also to be supportive of the relationships of your friends and family members.

If you want to work to prevent divorce, contact us to schedule Portland marriage counseling and start dealing with your relationship problems.

The sociologists at Cornell and U Chicago who led this recent study believe that this phenomenon undermines feelings of autonomy and privacy. Since these concepts are central to feelings of masculinity for many men, it can lead to relationship issues, cause conflict, and affect partner satisfaction and attraction.

Relationship Issues May Be Resolved By Giving Your Partner More Space

What does that mean for your relationship? Should you stop all contact with your mate’s friends? Definitely not! In my experience as a Portland marriage counselor, I’ve seen that shared friends can actually be a great support for a relationship and help you feel more like a couple. Having a good relationship with your husband or boyfriend’s friends is a good thing!

But it does mean that you might want to give your partner more space with these relationships. Just like many women enjoy a “girls’ night out,” encourage your spouse to go out for a night on the town with the boys. And respect his privacy. Allow him to have his own “best friends.” If you are both confiding in the same people, especially if you are discussing relationship issues, it may make him feel less comfortable being honest and open with his friends. Find your own friends to confide in.

Above all, communicate with your partner. Ask him how he feels about your friendship with his buddies, and define some boundaries you are both comfortable with. If you still find yourself struggling to understand how to give him space or have trouble getting him to open up about the matter, consider talking to a Portland marriage counselor about your relationship issues.

Hard to believe? Consider this: married men have better health than unmarried men. New research shows that married men arrive at the hospital 30 minutes faster than their single counterparts. When men start to experience symptoms such as chest pains, it’s common for their wife to “nag” their husband into going to the doctor before he thinks it necessary. And because erectile function can be tied to health problems such as heart disease or diabetes, wives are often the first to notice that there might be a problem.

Relationship Advice: Learn to Appreciate Nagging

The lesson we can take away from all this is that nagging can be a way that your spouse is showing you that he or she cares. They want to help you be better. It can also be a way to bring up relationship issues, helping to keep open communication between you. My relationship advice is to keep these benefits in mind the next time your spouse nags you to do something. It can help you to keep your cool about it, or even grow to appreciate it!

But of course, there is the other side of the issue. Constant nagging can cause relationship issues. No one likes to be criticized. It doesn’t mean that you should stop, but you should also take the time to share with your partner the ways you appreciate him or her. Compliment a job well done, or thank your partner for taking care of a dreaded chore. If you’re having trouble with nagging taking over your marriage, I recommend going to Portland marriage counseling to seek relationship advice.

The truth is that leaving the workforce can be stressful. It’s a huge change and adjusting to your new lifestyle may not be as simple as you thought. Instead of fighting one another, you can support one another through this change and come out stronger because of it.

Work through relationship issues. When one or both of you was working, you may have let things slide if you weren’t always happy with the relationship. Who has the time to work through issues? Good news — now you do! In fact, these issues may come to the forefront precisely because you are spending so much more time together. Don’t worry, but get help early. Consider taking the time to seek couples counseling and relationship advice from a Portland, Oregon, marriage counselor.

Discuss household chores. After years and years together, it’s likely you had worked out a routine that you were both okay with, but now things have changed. Sometimes, when a husband retires before his wife, the wife continues to do the housework in addition to working, which can lead to resentment. Or maybe you’re both retired, and it can feel like the husband is invading the wife’s “territory” if he starts to do stuff around the house. Confusing? Consider couples counseling to talk it through.

Talk about your expectations. There are many ways people spend retirement: enjoying quiet time at home tending a garden, traveling the country in an RV, or even going back to work! You may not have the same outlook for your retirement. The key is to talk about it, really listen to what the other person has to say, and compromise.

Discuss finances. Understanding where you stand financially can help you both have realistic expectations for what your retirement will be like. It can help to visit a financial advisor. It is likely that he or she will give you a range of possibilities based on your portfolio, and depending on your personalities, you may focus on the more optimistic possibilities or the more pessimistic possibilities. Remember, the reality likely falls somewhere in between.

Need Help Talking About Things? Seek Couples Counseling

It’s not always easy to talk about big issues without erupting into a fight, especially at a time in your life where emotions may be running high. You may be struggling with leaving the workforce, feeling frustrated because you are unable to afford the retirement you dreamed of, or coping with Empty Nest Syndrome. Instead of taking it out on your spouse, seek relationship advice though couples counseling at the Portland Relationship Center.

Portland Marriage Counseling Tips to Avoid an Affair

All relationships can be vulnerable to infidelity. In addition to making certain your relationship is the best it can be, there is also some basic advice to keep in mind.

Considering a night on the town with some single buddies? Think again. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and being around friends who are cruising for their next hook-up can actually encourage infidelity. Finding friends who support your relationship and believe in monogamy can help you avoid a big mistake. You could also take your spouse along with you, or just avoid going altogether.

If there is a specific person you are fighting an attraction to, avoid being alone with this individual. Don’t offer him or her a ride home. Don’t eat lunch alone with the person. If you are having trouble at home, it can be even more tempting to have an affair. The grass is always greener on the other side, but the beginning of a relationship is the “honeymoon” stage where everything seems great. If the relationship continued, you’d find that you have issues to work out with this person just like you do with your current partner. Try to focus on the person’s bad habits, such as biting nails or smoking, and remind yourself about all the things you love about your spouse. Maybe this attraction is just a wake-up call to work through the relationship problems you have at home and to engage in Portland marriage counseling.

Make Time for Your Partner

Perhaps the best way to avoid an infidelity is staying connected to your partner. Take time to go out on a date without the kids. Keep up with your partner’s work life and other interests. Be honest and open about your sex life. Consider going to Portland marriage counseling to learn more relationship skills and ways to keep communicating.

Get Help from a Portland Marriage Counselor to Save Your Marriage

If your relationship problems with your significant other only seem to be getting worse, seek out a marriage counselor to help save your marriage. A marriage counselor can show you how making an internal change in your attitude can create external changes in your partner’s attitude.

It may seem strange to say that you can help save your marriage simply by changing how you think about it. We’ve been trained to only look at and try to alter outward relationship problems – behavior – but if the thoughts that cause your feelings and behaviors stay the same, all you’re doing is covering up the problems. A marriage counselor can help you root out those “source beliefs” and concentrate on the positive associations you have for your loved one.

Deeper Relationships Make for Deeper Problems

A marriage counselor will tell you that the more you care for a person, the harder it will be to overcome your relationship problems and save your marriage. Though this seems intuitively wrong, it’s all about expectations. When we first meet someone, we see them as an individual, and all of the amazing things that they are. We can appreciate them as a separate entity. But as soon as we place a role of special importance on them – spouse, lover, soulmate – we create an image of that person in our minds that they can’t possibly live up to. This leads to disappointment, pain, heartbreak – basically, relationship problems.

It is only by going into your deepest thought processes about your significant other and changing what you expect them to be that you can finally save your marriage by appreciating them for who they actually are. Let us help you change how you think, how you feel and how you treat one another. Check out our Free Resources today.

For example, counseling for couples having difficulty with intimacy might involve going on a romantic getaway together to help solve their relationship problems. For LGBT couples, however, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Even on trips that advertise themselves as being “gay-friendly,” many face homophobia – overt or unintentional – from the hetero world, which can make intimacy downright impossible.

Hetero friends, family members, and society at large don’t always understand how to relate to your relationship problems and can be unintentionally insulting, trying to fit you and your partner into the typical husband and wife roles. Alternatively, people can act as if your relationship doesn’t matter as much as their hetero one, suggesting things for you or your partner that they wouldn’t think about doing in their own relationship. Family members – even outwardly supportive ones – might not always see your relationship as “real” when compared to a heterosexual relationship.

Seek Couples Counseling from a Therapist Who Has Experience with LGBT Issues

As an LGBT couple, you and your partner likely don’t see who you are and how you love reflected in our world, which can corrode your self-esteem and create more stressors in your relationship. Couples counseling for LGBT relationships needs to take these unique stressors into account when dealing with relationship problems. Couples counseling challenges may include:
1) Coping with homophobia in the family and society
2) Resolving relationship ambiguity in regards to commitment, boundaries, and behaviors linked to gender.
3) Developing a social “safety net.”
4) Stresses involved with creating “multiple identities” or compartmentalizing the relationship in certain environments.
5) Partners who define their sexual orientation differently.

Understanding these outside stressors can really help with LGBT couples counseling.  If you need help please give us a call or visit our website and check out our free resources.

As a Portland couples counselor, I’ve seen how these small arguments can take over a marriage and even threaten to destroy it. If you’re experiencing a problem like this that just won’t go way, make the choice to save your marriage: find a marriage counselor.

Portland Couples Counselor Says Communication Is Key

By working with a couples counselor to save your marriage, you’ll learn how to get to the issue behind the issue and communicate what’s really bothering you to your partner. An argument over one of you not doing your fair share of the domestic work usually isn’t about something specific not getting accomplished. Instead, it’s about the stress caused by one partner putting all of the work onto the other, and what this says about their respect for their partner and sense of personal responsibility.

In my work as a Portland couples counselor, I’ve shown couples how to work together. When chores can be divided in such a way that both spouses are satisfied, they are showing mutual respect for each other. This is key in a healthy relationship, and can help to save your marriage. But even if one spouse isn’t living up to their end of the bargain, communication can still help. Your first instinct will likely be to get angry, but take a step back and ask yourself some questions: Is your partner truly forgetting, or are they avoiding chores to feel in control? Are they angry with me for some other reason and “acting out” by not doing chores? Or are they simply feeling overwhelmed and losing sight of things?

When you find a couples counselor, they can help you to spot these problems and teach you how to deal with them. Make the time to discuss what’s really bothering your partner. And if it is just a problem with forgetfulness, find ways to strengthen the routine for both of you, like setting aside time to both do chores together, or reminding each other through actions instead of words. Taking the time to find positive solutions instead of fighting over differences can really help to save your marriage.