Saving Your Marriage: Where Did the Romance Go?

As a Portland marriage counselor, I know that, when you are first falling in love with someone, many people experience a feeling of euphoria and completeness. This is expressed scientifically as a huge dose of phenylethylalamine surging to your brain. Everything your partner does seems wonderful and magical, and there’s a largely unconscious expectation that they will meet all of your needs. However, when you commit to each other and neither partner can reach the impossible standard of meeting all of the other partner’s needs, problems arise. You start to feel unwanted, abandoned – unloved. Arguments and fights are likely to increase in number and severity. You start to seek relationship advice and think about saving your marriage – is it possible?

Saving Your Marriage by Reconnecting

These negative feelings, arguments, and fights are not fundamental threats to saving your marriage; the only threat is if you fail at reconnecting with each other. Instead of fighting and manipulating to get what you want out of the relationship – a “solution” that never works long-term – show empathy for your partner in giving them what they need while compassionately asking them to fulfill your needs by turning your complaints into requests. As a Portland marriage counselor, I offer relationship advice and teach couples how to do this in safety and with respect through things like showing your appreciation for each other, caring for one another, having fun, and introducing pleasurable surprises. In no time, the romance will return, your relationship will become a source of safety, fulfillment, and joy, and you’ll be well on your way to saving your marriage.

Today let’s look at the ways in which children create challenges to finding time together. First off let me say that the most important gift you can give your children is to stay married. I emphasis that last statement because my years as a Portland relationship counselor have taught me that parents mistakenly believe that giving their kids piano lessons, private schools, tutors or ski camps and always putting them first is the best thing that they can do for them. Wrong. Well educated and well rounded children of divorced parents are just that; children of divorced parents. They will suffer every difficulty that any person suffers when their family breaks up.

Portland Relationship Counselor Says Try These Strategies for Reclaiming Your Marriage

1.    Limit your family’s outside activities so that you have family time and couple time. Do not bow to peer’s nor children’s pressure. Remember, what is the greatest gift you can give your children?

2.    Have fixed and reasonable bedtimes for your children and stick to the schedule. Make it early enough so that you have couple time.

3.    Unless it is vital to do so, don’t let your children interrupt your conversations. Ask them respectfully to come back when you have finished talking.

4.    Do not do for your children what they can do for themselves.  Don’t hover during homework. Be available to help, but when help isn’t necessary, go visit with one another.

5.    Carve out private space. Teach your kids that if the bedroom door is closed they need to knock and wait. It’s not that you will be in there making love while they are awake and out of bed, but rather that you may be in conversation, you may not be fully dressed, etc. When they are accustomed to you having personal space they will leave you be for 15 minutes so you can go in your room and talk.

6.    Get sitters regularly and go out on a date! Again, you are teaching them that you two have a very special relationship. You take the time to look good, make special plans and prioritize one another. When you can, go away for the weekend alone.

7.    Get relationship help if you need it. Call a Portland relationship counselor and schedule a time to learn tools to last a life time. Attend a marriage education seminar for the same purpose. Treasure your marriage. You are incredibly lucky to have each other. Don’t take it for granted!

Visit our website if you need help finding a Portland relationship counselor, and don’t forget to check out our free resources.

As I write this the marriage counselor in me can’t help thinking of what unfolded at the Masters Golf Tournament this year. Tiger Woods came back to the game to huge media hype after nearly losing his marriage. Was it too soon? Is he really going to continue therapy for sex addiction and learn how to stop cheating on his wife? Or is it another publicity stunt designed to cleanup his tarnished image? Also competing in the tournament was Phil Mickelson who had spent the past year being by his wife’s side while she fought cancer. Who do you think is happier? By the way, for those of you that don’t follow golf, Phil won the tournament and was spotted wearing the traditional green jacket at a Dairy Queen buying an ice cream cone the next day. I‘m not selling vanilla here. For me it speaks volumes about personal happiness.

Marriage counselors know that a good marriage is more important than anything, including a healthy income!

Brooks sites several research studies about personal relationships and happiness. One study found that being married produces the same psychological gain as an extra $100,000 a year. It seems like everyone I have worked with and listened to this past couple of years is struggling financially. Sadly the effect has been that some have chosen to leave their marriages, which usually leads to further financial loss. Losing a career or job is also on the hit list for failed marriages. Men particularly struggle with a loss of identity and become depressed. Emotional depression can lead to hopelessness, cheating on your spouse, withdrawing, alcohol or drug abuse and many exits to intimacy. Marriage counselors know that having a great relationship doesn’t resolve problems that are bigger than the two of us, but it does help us to weather the storms. You can read the article here on the NY Times website.

Here at Portland Relationship Center there is help! Our motto is “Make Up- Don’t Break Up!”. Take our marriage education weekend class Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop. You will restore the promise your marriage holds and gain the information and tools you need to make love last a lifetime! Then perhaps, follow it with marriage counseling to address your specific relationship needs.