While it may seem like a stereotype to attribute this “Stupid Boy” quality to the men in our lives, this is one area where studies have actually shown that there’s at least some truth to the generalization. Northwestern University researchers a decade ago found evidence that women think more in terms of one-on-one relationships than men, and more recent biological date even seems to show that women are just better equipped neurocognitively than men to pay attention to and interpret others’ feelings. Essentially, women by nature are simply more in tune with the emotions of the people around them than men are.

Naturally, these differences are bound to cause relationship issues, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed! I’ve helped countless clients gain the tools they need to work through these kinds of issues so that they feel better connected – and it’s not limited to men; both partners have to work to meet in the middle.

“Cluelessness” Relationship Issues Require Men and Women to Meet in the Middle

Because men and women do have different ways of processing how they think and feel, asking one partner to change not only isn’t fair, it’s usually not feasible. When I work with my clients, I have each partner work on different skills.

For men, this usually means practicing recognizing and talking about their feelings, and learning how to listen carefully to their partner. Women, on the other hand, often need to learn that things that are “obvious” to them often aren’t to the men in their lives. When something bothers them, they can’t just assume that their spouses are going to pick up on it, they need to actually bring it up – and do so in such a way that focuses on how the situation makes them feel and why it’s important rather than unintentionally attacking their significant others.

If you’re having relationship issues related to “Cluelessness Syndrome” and can’t seem to get past them contact a Portland marriage counselor today.

The study was conducted by researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project. They quizzed 2,870 married men and women on the role of generosity in their relationships. As it was defined, generosity could mean anything from expressing affection and forgiving your spouse to simply making coffee for them in the morning.

The people who scored highest in generosity – not the ones whose spouses are being generous to them, but those who act generously to their significant others – reported the fewest marriage problems and had the highest likelihood of calling their relationship “very happy.”

I often talk about commitment, communication, and intimacy, but being generous towards each other is something that seems to be just as important.

Portland Relationship Counselor: Better for Couples, Better for Children

Interestingly, whether or not you are generous in your relationship seemed to have even more of an effect on those couples with children. Only 14 percent of those with lower generosity scored were “very happy,” compared to 50 percent with higher scores.

Part of this may be attributed to the finding that more generous parents have more generous offspring, creating a sort of cycle of good feelings in the family. Even better, researchers believe that generous children are more likely to continue the behavior, which should lead to better relationships – and fewer marriage problems! – for them.
How can you and your partner become “generous”? John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, finds that happy “generous” couples say or do five positive things for every negative interaction. If you would like to learn what you and your spouse can do to show your generosity towards each other, contact a Portland relationship counselor today.

We update relationship statuses (good or bad) sometimes before we even tell people in real life. We post romantic messages for all the world to see. We make up (and sometimes break up) via social media. All of this made market research blog Lab42 start to wonder what our views are about relationships in general these days. To find out, they surveyed 500 social network users over 18 years of age on a variety of relationship issues and questions, and as a Portland relationship counselor, I thought some of the results were interesting.

A Look at Different Relationship Issues in the Relationship Status Update

33% of people said that they had broken up via text, email, or on Facebook, and even more – 40% – said that they would! Unfortunately, this is a trend that will likely only grow as more people become accustomed to using social media as a primary source of interaction, and it’s something we need to look at. Not because expressing ourselves through social media is inherently bad, but because in this case, it seems like a clear way to avoid conflict with our significant other – and that is not healthy.

In terms of changing their relationship status on sites like Facebook, people seemed to take more care (and time) updating the status for a new relationship than for a break up.  38% updated immediately for a new relationship, compared to 52% who updated immediately after a breakup. Looking at these together, both seem protective – the first of the new relationship (not wanting to go public with it until both parties are comfortable), and the second as a way to let everyone know without having to get too up close and personal with emotions that may still be raw and messy. Unfortunately, if the breakup was more one-sided, the changed status will merely serve as a painful reminder – and if one person updates before the other (which seems likely based on the results), you’re essentially outing your ex to the world.

A number of people also admitted to friending or doing online research in other ways on people they’d just met if they liked them, and almost a fourth said that they would use Facebook to ask people out on a first date – second only to asking them out in person. Despite all of this, however, a whopping 77% said they’d never used an online dating site because “people lie about who they are online.”

Technology is increasingly becoming an integral part of our relationships, and understanding its effect on your relationship and how to use it in a healthy way can be crucial to staying together. I encourage you to reach out to a Portland relationship counselor if you are having trouble navigating these new relationship issues.

In a 2010 survey, one third of all married people surveyed reported lying about money to their spouses. One third! It shouldn’t surprise anyone that this kind of behavior can lead to arguments, a lack of trust, and even divorce. If you don’t know how to be honest with your spouse about money or believe that your significant other is hiding money matters, you need to seek relationship help. But there’s an even better way to deal with these issues…

Relationship Help: Discuss Your Financial Heritage

As a Portland marriage counselor, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to open up about your financial past. It’s an incredibly personal, intimate thing, especially if you’ve suffered any financial setbacks like declaring bankruptcy. But if you are going to marry someone, these are things that they need to know, and if you aren’t honest with your partner about them now, they’re going to find out eventually when, say, you apply for a mortgage on a home.

Beyond even these larger potential skeletons, the two of you need to know how your parents brought you up financially and what your beliefs about money are. If one of you is a spendthrift while the other hoards every penny, it’s better to find that out as early as possible so that a compromise can be found. How will you handle saving for retirement? For your kids’ education? Even for things like that 50” flat screen you both want?

As with anything else in a relationship, how you handle money as a couple is going to have to be something you come to a mutual agreement on, and sacrifices will need to be made on both sides. Or, even if you plan to keep your finances completely separate, as some couples do, that needs to be decided upon as well rather than something a husband stumbles upon in his wife’s records come tax time.

You don’t have to go through this field of potential landmines alone. Talk to a qualified Portland marriage counselor for relationship help. Or better yet, attend our Money Habitudes Workshop™ on January 28th!

Couples where both spouses were materialistic scored poorly on nearly all measures of relationship health, such as communication, conflict resolution, and responsiveness to their partners. Even though these couples often had higher incomes than non-materialistic couples, money was a bigger source of conflict. And couples where both partners were materialistic were worse off than couples where only one partner was materialistic.

Seek Relationship Advice for Financial Disagreements

This is good news in this economy when many of us are struggling with job loss and lower wages. Our financial health doesn’t need to be tied to our relationship health. If you find yourself placing a high value on material wealth, it may be time to take a step back and look at the big picture. What’s really more valuable to you: your things or your relationships?

Even for couples that are not materialistic, money is a common source of conflict for all couples. (Another study found 1 in 3 is guilty of financial infidelity, which can put a strain on your relationship.) Open, honest, and regular communication is key. If you are having frequent financial disagreements, seek Portland marriage counseling for relationship advice.

We are having relationships with our technology, often at the expense of real human interactions. In fact, we often use our smartphones as a way to avoid conflict with those that are in our lives. As a Portland relationship counselor, I see this all the time with my clients. Instead of fostering intimacy with our mates, we trade 140 character messages with Twitter followers or answer emails with co-workers. We play games or check Facebook. We’re connecting with people, sure. But are we really getting any kind of intimacy or real feelings of love and compassion?

Work through Relationship Issues, Don’t Avoid Them

 
Consider how technology fits into your life, particularly your relationship. Do you find that you use your Smartphone or your computer as a way to “check out” when things get tough? Do you spend more time interacting with virtual friends than the real-life people a few feet away? Try setting rules for yourself, such as shutting down your cell phone on the weekend and after work, or setting specific hours for using your computer. Instead, find love and compassion in your life by communicating with your loved ones and working on your relationship issues. If you need help, come talk to a Portland relationship counselor.

So does that mean you should give up hope for your marriage? No! Most couples don’t seek help. What you should take away from this is that the conflict won’t just go away over time. If you want a change, you have to make a change. Working on your relationship issues can be a great first step.

The study also revealed many of the things that low-conflict marriages have in common. These couples were more likely to say that they shared decision-making as well as housework with their spouses. This goes to show the importance of communication and staying connected to one another.

The low-conflict couples were also more likely to say they believed in traditional, life-long marriage. This is crucial to the longevity of a marriage. When a problem comes up, both partners have to be willing to work through it. You can’t fix a problem if only one partner is committed to the relationship. Also, if you are committed to your partner for the long-term, you may be more likely to let small disagreements go, leading to more peace at home.

Get Help for Your Relationship Issues

If you’re dealing with conflict in your marriage, give my office a call to see how I can help you change those conflict levels by working through your relationship issues together.

Boost Your Bond says Portland Marriage Counselor

Couples counseling in Portland has taught me that all means of communication are important. Daily we use words as an attempt to connect. As a long time Portland marriage counselor, I know that words are easily misinterpreted and terrible disagreements can follow. Learn to speak in a way that doesn’t hurt or insult your partner. Make certain you understand your partner correctly before responding. Communication is meant to bond you, not alienate you. If you have trouble in this area, consider a skills class, a workshop or private help.

Communicating through touch should be done daily. Sex, cuddling, a caress, holding hands, a hug, are all bonding. Remember that negative communication occurs in touch as well, and it can break down the bond. Pushing your partner away when they reach out, turning away in bed to convey displeasure, a kick under the table…all of these messages say, “I don’t approve of you.” As a long time marriage counselor in Portland I know that ignoring this area is very dangerous. If your touch has broken down, do not hesitate to get help.

Actions speak louder than words. Be active together. Compete together on the same team. Play a game or sport. Golf, soccer or charades, it doesn’t matter. They all bring cohesion. Laugh together. Go to a comedy club, or watch a funny movie. Like touch, laughing releases oxytocin, the most powerful bonding hormone.

In my Portland marriage counseling experience I see that couples who share feelings without blame or criticism, stay close. Humans are meant to share their feelings in order to create the bond of empathy. If this is a challenge for you try seeing a Portland marriage counselor. Feelings will connect or destroy a perfectly good relationship.
Think of communication like fruits and vegetables and make sure you have a variety of 5-7 servings per day! Check out our Free Resource page for more tips.

But being in a committed relationship means protecting and supporting your partner. By sharing personal issues with friends, family, or the entire internet, you are betraying their trust. Your partner needs to feel comfortable communicating with you, but it can be hard to be open and honest if you are afraid that those issues will become public knowledge.

Some couples air their dirty laundry to others as a way to avoid actually communicating about their issues. They may even post status updates on Facebook as a passive-aggressive way of prodding their partner into an argument. In the end, this does nothing to resolve your relationship problems. If you are having trouble talking to one another, consider talking to a Portland marriage counselor who can guide the process and help you develop your communication skills as a couple.

Two’s Company, Three’s a Crowd, says Portland Marriage Counselor

You know the expression. It doesn’t matter who your best friends think is right or what your mom would recommend. You and your partner are a team, and you should work through problems together. You don’t need to have the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others enter into your negotiations. It can complicate matters and make it harder for you to figure out what you think and feel.

That’s not to say that you have to keep mum about what’s going on in your relationship. Sometimes you may need to seek advice or simply share a little frustration. But before you do, ask yourself two things: Would I be comfortable with my partner having a similar conversation with his or her friends? Will this help me to talk to my partner about this issue later in a way that’s constructive?

Also, don’t forget to tell those friends and family members about the good things in your relationship. You may not realize that you’ve been dumping so many relationship problems in their lap that they can’t even understand why you’re with your partner in the first place! You want people to be supportive of your relationship, plus making a point to talk about the positive aspects of your relationship can remind you why it’s worth working through your relationship problems.

Of course, sometimes it can help to have a third party help you with your relationship issues. If that’s the case, I encourage you to get professional help. Visit my center to talk to an experienced Portland marriage counselor.

Just 20 years ago couples had little competition for time from media sources. Now there are multiple ways that media and social media interrupt our quality time.

Portland Relationship Counselor Asks You to Turn off Technology to Turn on the Marriage

Your marriage needs to be your highest priority if you want to insure against affairs and divorce. As a very experienced Portland relationship counselor I want you to examine the ways that media competes for your couple time.

Telephones, texting and smart phones: Once people had the ability to gout to dinner without any interruptions from work, babysitters or other messages. And yes, their babysitters and children generally survived the evening. I admit that as a Portland relationship counselor, I sit in restaurants and watch couples interact. (Not when I’m with my husband!). I see couples on dates checking their phones, returning texts and answering emails. I see the hurt and disappointment in people’s faces when their companion leaves the real connection for the tech connection. Ouch. Turn off your phone. Tell the sitter where you are going and the phone. Tell the wait person your name and they can find you if there is an emergency.

Internet: The web offers many distractions. Facebook can be a significant threat to relationships. Divorce attorneys report a huge spike in couples blaming Facebook connections for affair and a divorce.  Answering emails can be a time thief. Don’t kid yourself and say that you are only going to check emails for 5 minutes. Playing online games can soak up many hours of your time. Living in a virtual world will eventually cause the ruin of your real world. Last but not least is easy access to pornography. If you spend time with unreal sexual exploits, your real sex life will likely suffer. This Portland relationship counselor has seen this issue destroy many marriages.

Television: TV and videos account for much time consumed in the American household. Now that news, sports and Law and Order is on 24/7, you may find yourself glued to the tube for hours. TV is fun, sometimes entertaining and maybe even necessary, but how much time do you spend in front of it. Would you be willing and able to limit your watching to 2 hours per day? If not, ask yourself, “why not?”

If you need help breaking these or other habits, or want to find a good Portland relationship counselor, please visit our website. And while you are there be sure to check out our ever growing collection of free resources.