It got us to talking about why couples bicker so much, in particular why we used to bicker so frequently in the first years or decades of our marriage. In our 3 mile long conversation (we were hiking), we concluded that the source of bickering lies in two areas: the need to be in control and the need to be right, or at least not to be wrong.

Marriage Counselor in Portland, Oreon Learns New Tricks

We thought back on the little power struggles to convince the other that our way was THE WAY. Being married to a marriage counselor can make this worse, because my way is backed by research, right?

So why is it that my spouse and I have eliminated our bickering? One obvious reason is that the training I received in Imago marriage counseling helped us both to understand our roles in the power struggle.  Attending the Imago marriage education workshop gave us tools that we have continued to use.

Another reason we have graduated from bickering could be that because we now treat our relationship with INTENTION and CONSCIOUSNESS versus being UNCONSCIOUS and REACTIVE. We less often feel the urge to be right; instead we want to be kind. Therapist Virginia Satire once said, “Exchange judgments for curiosity and exchange being right for being kind.” Good relationship advice.

Mature love can be defined as feeling affection and respect for your partner. The word respect comes from a Greek word that means “gazing at the other”.  When we respect someone, we are really looking at them, not who we want or need them to be.

Marriage education and marriage counseling can help you to move from unconscious and reactive to being intentional in your thoughts and behavior. When you are bickering the little kid in you just wants to be in control. Or you just don’t want to be wrong. Marriage education can help you both understand that little kid in yourself and in your partner, and teach you tools to practice new behaviors.

For a good marriage counselor in Portland, Oregon or information on marriage counseling visit our website. To find out more or to sign up for marriage education, please visit our couples workshop page.

Even the most practiced skills can go right out the window when a couple has an argument. A common pattern that couples experience during conflict is for one person to create distance by closing down (the Minimizer in Imago terms) while the other pursues and, figuratively speaking, smothers their partner (The Maximizer). The style of each partner triggers the others defensive response. The more the Minimizer distances from their partner, the more the Maximizer pursues them and visa versa.

Do it Yourself Marriage Counseling: the Do-Over

What can couples do when they find themselves triggered and defensive? Have a “do-over”! Here’s how it works:

1. First, breathe deeply—this helps partners to self-soothe and calm down. After doing this if both partners feel ready, begin the “re-do” and use your dialogue skills. If not, go to step
2. Take Recovery Time—if both or either partner is too “hot” or flooded with emotion, take a time out. Set a time you will be willing to come back for the “re-do”. This is crucial! Bad habits make the Minimizer avoid coming back and working it through and the Maximizer to go into pursuit mode. The fight will start again and both will feel discouraged, re-injured and defended.
3. Minimizer should initiate—It usually works best for the Minimizer to initiate the “re-do” dialogue. This allows the Minimizer to feel safe enough to share their viewpoint and gives the Maximizer reassurance that the issue will be addressed. Over time both partners will come to know that arguments don’t need to derail their friendship and romance. Remember, Do-Overs=low cost marriage counseling.

If you would like to learn more about your defensive styles and what you can do about them I recommend taking our Getting The Love You Want Workshop. To develop your relationship skills even further consider marriage counseling with an Imago Relationship therapist.

First, recognize that adolescence is a developmental stage where teenager issues will come up inevitably and dealing with teens is a challenge. During this time, your child is driven to learn about intimacy and relationships not academics. They are “practicing adults”, not yet capable of full self-sufficiency. The way teenagers learn to be adults is by pulling away from their parents to find their own identity. They will explore the
world more and more on their own terms. This is the nature of this
stage. Parents can ease their own anxiety by recognizing this
developmental pulse as normal.

Second, if you want your teenager to listen, model it first. Be
curious about your teenagers thinking, feelings, ideas and adolescent problems. If they don’t want to talk, tell them what you “imagine” they might be
thinking and allow them to respond. Knowing that you have a clue
about what they might be going through often opens the door for them
to express their feelings.

Third, avoid the temptation to interrupt, interpret, or make
comments. Instead, check to make sure they feel listened to and
understood. If not, ask them to clarify until they feel understood.

Teenager Issues On Listening – Parting Shot

Lastly, ask if you can share your thoughts. In dealing with teens, it is almost universal that teenagers will listen when they feel “heard” first. Be careful
not to judge or criticize. They will stop listening. Instead, state
your concerns as questions. Ask—“How will you handle…?” or “what are
your thoughts about…?”  Then follow with your comments about what you
might do differently. End with, “I hope you’ll give it some thought.”

Learning to listen first gives your teen the feeling that you are
safe to talk to about their struggles and problems. Paradoxically,
they will return the favor and you will have less teenager issues.

Being fairly new to marriage myself and also early in my career as a marriage counselor, I have the above questions on my mind a lot in my personal life and in couples counseling. Why do couples fight so much and why does it seem so hard to repair connection after an argument? When my partner and I argue we end up feeling exhausted, misunderstood and confused. Most of the time we forget where the argument started in the first place. On a good day, we will laugh it off; on a bad day, we will remain safely distant from one another, hoping it will pass, letting aggression out in small passive ways, which in return creates a new argument. It is a grim situation that many or most married couples find themselves in. Those of us practicing couples counseling know these arguments seem like small issues but normally have deep underlying wounds, unmet needs and pain surrounding them.

The most dysfunctional aspect of arguments is that we react to our partners in the very way that guarantees that they will not understand us, validate or empathize with our needs. When we don’t get what we want from our partners, we react by getting angry, sulking, distancing, attacking, blaming and shaming. This in return makes our partners angry, hurt, blaming and shaming. Then being angry and or distant make us angrier and it escalates onward and upwards. All the fighting triggers are reptilian brain response until we are doing the fight or flight dance all night.

Couples Counseling Can Deliver Solutions To Reduce Arguments

What would it look like too repair an argument? It would mean that both partners are heard, validated and empathized with by the other partner. Each partner would create time to mirror, validate and empathize with their partners experience, wounds and unmet needs.  No one would try to be the top dog! We would throw away the idea that someone is always right and someone is always wrong. We would create space and intention to step into the others shoes with curiosity and love.  Marriage counselors help people to learn how to make this happen.

Intentional, is a key word in resolving arguments. Love, compassion and understanding are not heavily wired into our brains, especially when we feel threatened. Most of us need to learn skills to express our needs without feeling fear and shame. We also need a lot of support to hear from our partners how incomplete we are. Being a couples counselor and a partner in couples counseling, it is amazing to see how far some outside support and intentional dialogue can take a couple.