Portland Relationship Counselor Helps Define Sex Addiction

Sexual addiction, which is also called compulsive sexual behavior, is actually pretty rare, affecting only 3 to 6% of adults in the U.S. according to the Mayo Clinic. The condition is not official recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, but that doesn’t make it any less real. Sexual addiction is “an obsession with sexual thoughts, feelings or behaviors that affects your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life.” This can include excessive use of pornography, having multiple affairs, having sex with prostitutes, and frequent masturbation. Many sex addicts grow to even dislike the act of sex but still cannot stop. About 80% of sex addicts have sexual abuse or emotional trauma in their past. Some people believe that the internet has caused an increase in sex addiction in recent years due to internet porn and cybersex.

But of course, people who are perfectly healthy have affairs, watch pornography, and masturbate. So how do you know when it’s become an addiction? When the person does not seem to have control over the behavior, can’t stop thinking about sex, and the behaviors starts to affect other aspects of his or her life.

Of course, as a Portland relationship counselor, I know that even one affair can significantly affect your relationship, and that alone is not enough to diagnose sex addiction. Just like gambling or alcoholism, sexual addiction can cause financial troubles, public embarrassment, damage to relationships with family and friends, job loss, and even health problems. It can affect all aspects of the addict’s life, but he or she continues the behavior.

Treatment for sexual addiction is long-term and requires working with a professional who understands the disease. Marriage or relationship counseling is an important part of treatment because the ultimate goal is not abstinence, but to learn to have healthy sex in a consensual relationship. If sexual addiction is affecting your relationship, I encourage you to talk to a Portland relationship counselor.

In one study, when men were made to think about their own death, they responded more vigorously to sexual pictures. Demographics also support the theory. For instance, richer countries tend to have lower birthrates, and people who live in poorer neighborhoods tend to have their first sexual encounters at younger ages. This suggests that when we feel secure in our environment and the future seems bright, we invest more in our children and current partner, which is considered a long-term mating strategy.

Seek Help for Relationship Problems Early

So in current economic times, when many of us are not sure we’ll be able to make the next mortgage payment or where we’ll get food to put on the table, men may be more likely to stray. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should call it quits. Instead, you should be aware that your relationship may have a heightened risk during these tough times. Make time to focus on the more positive things in your life, not just the negative. And take any relationship problems you are facing seriously, and seek Portland marriage counseling if needed.

As a Portland marriage counselor, I can tell you that the definition of an emotional affair isn’t set in stone. What would be considered cheating in one relationship would be perfectly acceptable in another. Even within a marriage, there can be differing views on what constitutes cheating. This can lead to confusion, frustration, and even the end of a relationship.

Signs You’re Having an Emotional Affair

So how can you tell if your flirting is becoming an emotional affair? One telltale sign is if it’s a secret. Are you hiding emails from your spouse? Or lying about who you went to lunch with that day? If you would feel uncomfortable if your partner found out about the way you interact with this other person, that’s not a good thing.

Another warning sign is if you find that your relationship with this other person has a sexual overtone, even if it’s subtle. If your banter feels more like foreplay than joking between friends, this can be a sign that this is a sexual fantasy, which can sometimes lead to a sexual affair.

Also, how often are you talking to this other person? If you find that you spend more time talking to this friend than your spouse, that’s not a good sign, even if your conversations are totally innocuous. Sometimes people even share details about their relationship or spouse with this friend. You may be seeking a connection with this other person that you feel you are lacking at home. This should be a red flag. You need to start giving your marriage more attention.

You may find that friends or even your spouse pick up on things before you’re willing to see it yourself, so if someone expresses concern that your interactions aren’t entirely appropriate, don’t ignore it.

If you suspect you’re in an emotional affair, it’s likely that you are, or at the very least, that your relationship is in need of help. If you want to start working on re-connecting with your spouse, give our offices a call to talk to an experienced Portland marriage counselor.

That explanation is in no way meant to take any of the blame off of the person who strayed. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, and choosing to have an affair is one of the worst things you can do in a committed relationship. Trying to save your marriage afterward is an arduous, time-consuming effort that involves working with a counselor to rebuild trust and rededicate yourselves to your relationship.

So the point of this message has nothing to do with blame. Instead, I want to offer some relationship advice about how infidelities begin so that they can be stopped before they start.

Affairs Begin with a Lack of Communication, Seek Relationship Advice

All of us have a strong need to be understood, and it’s probably what drew us to our mate in the first place. We enjoyed talking to and being around them. They paid attention to us and acted like we mattered, so we felt safe, loved, and happy.

But over time in relationships, we start to take each other for granted. Instead of being this amazing presence in our life, our spouse is just another part of it – one that we love, certainly — but also one that we just expect to be there. Because of those feelings, it’s not uncommon to put other priorities before our spouse, like children and careers. Unfortunately, over time this can make them feel ignored and neglected, and if someone else shows up and makes them feel wanted and needed, an affair can become a very attractive proposition.

The best piece of relationship advice I can offer you in order to avoid this and save your marriage is to talk to your partner about your feelings and make time to be alone together. The person who feels neglected is just as much at fault – even before they stray – as the person doing the neglecting. Both of you need to make an effort to show each other how important your relationship is and how much you appreciate the love that you have.

A shoulder rub, compliment, hug, or kiss before leaving for work all seem like small things, but they are all ways of showing that you care and can go a surprisingly long way to save your marriage. Setting aside time each day to talk to your spouse is another great way to make sure you stay connected.

In my experience, all affairs start as emotional affairs. If you’ve tried reconnecting with your spouse and it just doesn’t seem to be working, or if you still find yourself drawn to another person, save your marriage by getting relationship advice from a professional before the problem goes any further.

The worst thing that you can do when you have suspicions like this is ignore them. Worry, anger, and resentment will build up inside you, causing increasingly worse relationship problems. Unfortunately, an outright accusation is just as likely to bring more problems because your spouse will be upset that you don’t trust them.

If you have suspicions like the ones above, try to take a step back and think rationally. While it’s possible that your partner is having an affair, their actions could just as easily be the result of stress at work, other marriage issues you haven’t dealt with, or even depression.

Learn How to Assess Relationship Problems in Counseling

The same techniques you would learn in couples counseling to deal with other relationship problems apply here. Talk to your partner about the changes you see happening in your marriage and how those changes make you feel. You might learn of some other underlying issues and be able to solve them simply by talking.

If they try to brush off your concerns, however, it could be a sign that they are trying to avoid the topic. This still doesn’t mean that there is infidelity, but it is a sign that something deeper could be going on.

At this point, there are two ways for you to find out the truth. The first is to be more observant of your spouse’s behavior and discretely double check their alibis for any time they’ve spent away. Unfortunately, this way can lead to further trust issues and relationship problems, regardless of the outcome. If you discover your spouse is cheating and didn’t tell you themselves, you’ll likely never trust them again. And if your spouse finds out that you’re checking up on them, they might lose all trust for you.

The other, and probably better option is to tell your spouse that you feel like you need to start going to counseling. You’ll be able to freely speak about relationship problems and fears there in a way that will give both of you the opportunity to open up and hopefully reveal any secrets you’ve been keeping. And a trained couples counselor can teach you how to deal with any feelings of hurt or betrayal that come out of the sessions.

If you want to save your marriage, not just uncover the truth, try couples counseling today to work through your relationship problems.

But the good news is that you can reconnect. This can be the wake-up call that allows you to regain the “spark” you were missing and be even stronger than before.

Relationship Advice: You Can Find the Magic Again Together

From my experience as a Portland marriage counselor, I can’t tell you how important it is that both parties be on board with the same goal. Together, you can save your marriage, but it will require patience, understanding, and honesty from both partners. You will need to make time for each other to communicate openly about your marital issues, but also to simply enjoy one another’s company. When your relationship first started, you probably went out on dates, discovering new things together. These experiences helped bond you together, and you can benefit from “dating” again now. Often, our responsibilities to our family and careers get in the way, but emotional affairs can help put things in perspective for you. Make your connection to one another a priority.

Often, it can be hard to navigate through the distrust and hurt that results from emotional affairs. If you and your spouse are struggling to reconnect, consider seeking guidance from a professional. Check out our website for more relationship advice you can use today.

Talk about the Infidelity

Understanding why the affair happened is important. The cheating partner may not know why they cheated, or if they do know, they may feel uncomfortable talking about it, thinking it will only cause more problems. But these are real issues that need to be worked out together. If you separate and don’t talk about the infidelity, the issue won’t be resolved and may crop up again.

You also need to be completely honest about what happened. Keeping details hidden can cause lingering doubts for the spouse who was cheated on. Learning the truth may hurt, but it’s necessary to get past the infidelity together.

There will be distrust after the affair is revealed. This is natural, and the spouse who cheated may have to be accountable for his or her whereabouts at all times for a while. You will have to practice compassion and patience. You can’t earn back the trust over-night. It may take months or even years. But once you get past it, you will be stronger for it.

If you live in Portland, Oregon, marriage counseling and relationship help to overcome infidelity is available at the Portland Relationship Center.

A couple dealing with a “virtual” infidelity doesn’t need social media help – they need relationship help.

There’s Nothing “Virtual” About the Infidelity of Hiding Your Tracks on Facebook

As a Portland relationship counselor, I work with couples who need relationship help after experiencing an infidelity – “real” or “virtual.” The first thing we work on is getting them to let go of any blame they have towards technology for “causing” this infidelity. While it’s true that sites like Facebook make it very easy to reconnect with old flames and the like, the technology didn’t make anyone cheat.

After responsibility is acknowledged, we talk about any lies and hiding of information that occurred and work on bettering communication in the relationship. Often, old unresolved hurts, fears of intimacy, and shame leads partners to hide things from each other, but for a strong, lasting relationship, this needs to end. My work as a Portland relationship counselor allows me to guide couples along this path and give them the relationship help they need to prevent more secrets in their “virtual” lives and prevent future infidelity. Contact Portland Relationship Center at our website if we can help.

Consider this: many couples survive one of their partners losing their ability to function sexually. Why? Because it’s just one aspect of our relationships. Sex and other forms of physical affection are a way to express our emotional connection to our partner. When you go outside of your marriage for physical affection, it is sometimes because you are missing emotional connection. So if you are going outside your relationship for an emotional connection, it is a really a symptom of the same problem, and it may even eventually lead to a sexual affair.

What Is an Emotional Affair Exactly?

This is one of those relationship problems that’s not as easy to define. There’s little question that having sex with someone other than your partner is cheating, but what about a secret lunch date? An emotional affair involves becoming emotionally intimate with another person. You may share things with them that you don’t share with your partner. You may keep your meetings and conversations with them a secret. You may feel a sexual attraction for the other person, whether or not you have actually acted on it.

Are you not sure? Ask yourself this: would you feel guilty if your partner found out about this other person? If so, then it’s likely you are having an emotional affair, and it’s important that you end it. Then you should ask yourself why you were looking for an emotional connection outside of your relationship. Be honest with your partner and work to rebuild any trust you may have lost. If you need help taking the next step, you may want to seek couples counseling to help you save your marriage and to discover the root of your relationship problems.

Hobbies are wonderful for the most part. They take our mind off our troubles and enrich our lives. Hobbies and recreation are not selfish pursuits and need not weaken your bond. As with issues such as work and children, individual hobbies and recreation aren’t really the problem. As Bill Doherty says in his book, Take back Your Marriage, “It’s how they are decided on and how they are handled”.

Portland Relationship Counselor Asks You to Avoid Affairs and Divorce by Guarding Priorities

As a Portland relationship counselor I agree with Doherty’s suggestion to think of hobbies and recreation as secondary to marriage and family priorities. It is not that these individual pursuits will be left off the schedule; it is that they will be worked around the more important priorities of keeping your marriage happy and strong. Your marriage needs to be your highest priority if you want to insure against affairs and divorce.

Number one; decide together if the hobby or recreational activity is feasible. Have a dialogue with your partner in which neither of you blame, shame, criticize or call the other selfish. Be honest in the dialogue and do not resentfully go along with what your partner wants. Instead work together to see what your budget and your calendar can afford. Secondly, once you have jointly decided then look together at how you will offset the loss to relationship time. If one of you wants to go skiing with a friend for a week, or join the girls for a weekend in the sun, it may be agreeable to you both. But when and how will you replace the couple time that was sacrificed? Make that decision together in dialogue as well.  If you don’t know how to dialogue visit our website for classes and counselors who can help you learn.

When you work together to make decisions about time spend away from the family and relationship, you can actually draw closer. Being close and sincerely supportive affair proofs your marriage. Making the grownup decision to skip hunting or not to train for the marathon this year will sometimes be the wisest decision. But making it together will bring respect and mutual sacrifice will pay off in a long future together.

If you need help breaking these or other habits, or want to find a good Portland relationship counselor, please visit our website. And while you are there be sure to check out our ever growing collection of free resources.