Marriage counselors in Portland, Oregon, work regularly with step family issues in order to help couples succeed at remarriage.  The divorce rate in couples who remarry with children is even higher that the rate for first marriages. There is an excellent collection of free resources for step families at the website , Empowering Parents, including a great article on the 5 Secrets of Successful Step Parenting.

Experts who help step families know what a challenge it can be. The new family is created from the loss of the original family and the children involved are sad, hurt and angry.  Their feelings have nothing to do with you personally, but it feels personal.

The role of step parent takes time to develop, up to five years.  The number one mistake is to immediately assume the role of parent. You married the child’s parent, not the child. They did not choose you, so play your cards right and give them the time necessary to come around to that choice.

Marriage Counselors in Portland, Oregon, see success from following 5 guidelines

Experts know that step families face huge challenges, and need guidelines such as these to help:

1. Defer to the Bio-parent: You must be the good cop and let the bio-parent be the bad cop. When discipline is necessary let your spouse handle it and give them your support.  Do yourself a favor and take a back seat, as hard as that sounds. Let the bio-parent be the expert.
2. Don’t compete with your counter-part: Don’t compete with the person whom you share your role with, i.e. if you are the step mom don’t try to do a better job that the bio-mom. Back her up, and respect and acknowledge the strength of the biological connection.
3. Discover your step child’s interests: Marriage counselors in Portland, Oregon, advise stepparents to start off as you would in any friendship, by exploring your common interests. Invite the step child to do things together and make them fun, not parental.
4. Get out of the way: Give your spouse and the step children one-on-one time without you. This is a normal need and if the family were intact, hopefully both parents would have this type of time with the kids. Children should not be deprived of one-on-one time because their parent remarried.
5. Act lovingly even if you don’t like your step kids: Every marriage counselor knows that love is a decision followed by a million actions and choices. You may never love them like your own, but you can act lovingly each and every day. It is always the right thing to do.

If you struggle with problems in your step family visit the Empowering Parents website and read the full article, the five secrets of successful step parenting.  Visit our free resources for more relationship tips and if you are looking for a marriage counselor in Portland, Oregon, then give us a call at the Portland Relationship Center.

One of my esteemed colleagues in the field, marriage counselor Dr. Bill Doherty, has some interesting thoughts on the lessons to be learned from last week’s public marriage news of the rich and famous. I will highlight some of Dr. Doherty’s points, but to read his full comments please follow the link to his blog: Bill’s Blog.

After the celebrity breakups last week of the Gores, the first Muslim congressman ever elected and the Dog Whisperer, the week ended with 59 year old Rush Limbaugh¹s fourth marriage, this one to a 33 year old woman whom he met during the divorce from his third wife.  When asked about their age difference, his fourth bride told the press, “I’m sometimes not able to relate to the average person my age.”

Rush Limbaugh’s multiple marriages are all too common.  It isn’t that I believe people shouldn’t try again or remarry, rather that people need to stop kidding themselves about the causes of their failure. As a marriage counselor I agree with Dr. Doherty when he says, “as a marriage therapist what I find depressing is people churning through multiple marriages without learning very much except that they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong person (but now it’s different) or that the love went away.”

Portland, Oregon Marriage counselor hears much blame and little accountability

Mr Limbaugh uses the common explanation for marital failure.  For his first divorce:  “I was doing what I thought I had to do. There was romance in the idea of being married. It was just the wrong reasons.”  For his second divorce, “The love had just vanished. We’re still friends.”   Real insight into a divorce involves understanding one’s own role.  None of us need to look further than our own mirror to see half of the reasons a marriage works or doesn’t.

Famous people are just like the rest of us, they tend to look outside themselves for the cause of their problems. That is the wrong place to look if you would like to avoid a divorce and instead have a great marriage. An Imago marriage counselor can offer you tools to help you to avoid the pitfalls of blaming the other and instead become aware of how you contribute to the nightmare or the dream relationship. For more help, please check out our relationship education programs and marriage counseling services in Portland, Oregon, at our website.

Marriage counselors often hear a couple’s pain over unmet expectations. “And the two shall become one…” words that most of us have heard from the Bible at a wedding ceremony, exemplify some common expectations. Does this mean that our marriage union will become the focus of our lives?  What happens when partners have different ideas about their union? Sometimes it can really come down to going to church and visiting the in-laws on Sunday vs. sleeping in and reading the newspaper over brunch. For others different expectations are much more devastating. We may feel our partner tricked us or fooled us and we are full of despair. Regardless of the degree of differences between partners it is never too late to make love last a lifetime. Marriage counselors know that this is your challenge—to build and enrich our relationship day by day. This is your learning curve as a couple.

To do this requires that we make regular deposits into our relationship bank account. It requires that we become curious about our partners needs and desires. As we work toward the notion of “becoming one” in a committed partnership we ultimately learn to “have each other’s backs”. A relationship tip that can save you aguish is to remember “to feel like one, takes two”.  We need to individually contribute to the good of us both.

Marriage counselors know the importance of secure feelings in relationships

Susan Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy states it this way, “in times of distress we need to know that we can turn towards our partner and he or she will be there for me”. Many of us didn’t learn or receive a secure attachment with our parents in childhood. If we did not have a stable and secure childhood then when we move into marriage we become defended, anxious and insecure which brings tremendous stress to our marriage.

The good news is it doesn’t have to doom your relationship! If you didn’t learn it in childhood, you can learn it in your marriage. “Becoming one” means you can learn to have each other’s backs. You can learn to build, repair, restore and enrich your marriage and deepen your committed partnership. A great way to learn this is to take the “Getting the Love You Want” Couples Workshop. Follow this link for “upcoming dates”. Marriage counselors can help you with many relationship tips. Take the advice of professionals and ask yourself, “what can I do to feel closer to my partner today?”

I imagine the Gores did try marriage counseling. But did they get the right kind of relationship help? We will probably never know, but this Monday Morning Quarterback wonders if they sought help that had all three essential components: tools, structure and education? It made me sad to hear of their separation and although I do not fancy myself a rescuer of marriage, I do wish that everyone seeking relationship help would make certain that they find the best person and approach for their success.

Marriage counselors vary in their training and in the methods they use. Some therapists who offer marriage counseling have never been trained as relationship experts. Of those who have has some training, some do not actually use a proven method.

Marriage Counseling can save your health and wealth

The Gores are very public figures so it is easy for me to drum up emotion about their marriage failure. But over half of marriages fail and other than a marriage counselor like me, most people don’t think much about the impact this failure rate has on our communities. The Gores are financially set for life (although money will not help their children face the loss nor insure their success at marriage) but most of us suffer financially, emotionally and even physically from a failed relationship. Most problems in marriage are normal, but we do not get the help we need and our normal problems are blown out of proportion.

If you are looking for marriage counseling please be certain to ask the marriage counselor you call about their training and their experience. What tools do they use? How many couples do they see annually? What is their success rate? Do they offer marriage education courses?

And don’t wait to get the relationship help that you need! Most divorces happen because people let small problems slide that could have been fixed earlier. The right kind of marriage counseling really works.

Two studies in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin claims shyness can influence the quality of an ongoing relationship – even one as important as marriage. Good relationship advice might be to consider the impact of your personality on your marriage. Marriage counselors are keenly aware of the extent to which a person’s personality determines the shape and quality of his or her social relationships.
 
One of the studies found that shyness was linked both to more severe marital problems among newlyweds and to overall lower marital quality. Also, shy people reported more problems with trust, jealousy, money, and household management. For some, saving your marriage may depend upon treating one partner’s shyness.
 
The second study showed that it was prior shyness that was linked to marital difficulties rather than shyness that developed later. Marriage counselors know that in the beginning of a relationship we overlook the traits that will later bother us. Initially we may not even see the other’s shyness, or the shy partner may feel much bolder when under the influence of infatuation chemicals.
 

Working on shyness may be good relationship advice

 
The authors of the studies suggest that shyness makes it more difficult for people to enter into social relationships and, because shy people feel more social anxiety, they are less confident in dealing with the inevitable problems that marriage entails. It may also be that shyness causes isolation from other couples, family activities and social engagements.  Marriage counselors offering relationship advice will tell you that all couples need to have activities they enjoy together outside of the home and with others.
 
“There is hope even though shyness itself might be resistant to change,” write the authors. “People can be taught to have more efficacy in how to resolve the specific marital problems they face. As a consequence, any marital difficulties prompted by personality can be prevented by explicit training on dealing with marital problems.” Marriage counselors can teach a shy individual to use communication tools.  These types of tools have been shown to create a sense of safety so that a couple shy or not, can have connection rather than conflict.
 
More information: The article “Shyness and Marriage: Does Shyness Shape Even Established Relationships?” in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin is available free for a limited time at Shyness and Marriage.
 
For more relationship advice, free resources and quality marriage counseling please visit our website at Portland Relationship Center.

An article in a British newspaper warned what marriage counselors have known for a long time,  that if the man of the house is less happy than his wife then the couple are much less likely to split up. On the other hand if the husband is much happier than his wife, then his wife is much more likely to leave him. The results were published in Germany in an economic report called “You Can’t Be Happier Than Your Wife. Happiness Gaps and Divorce”. The full paper is at this link Happiness Gap

A study by a team of economists identified a potentially disastrous phenomenon in marriage which they call “The Happiness Gap”. This effect was seen only when the husband was feeling better about life than his wife. The researchers discovered that the bigger the difference in the happiness of husbands and wives the greater the risk of a break-up.

Marriage counselors often notice that when the female partner is unhappy she is more likely to start divorce proceedings. The study showed the happiness gap widened when wives were burdened with most of the housework, if they had different social backgrounds to their husbands, or if they had higher than average incomes. The gap was closed when couples were matched in social backgrounds, if they had a common religion, if the chores were shared or if the woman was a housewife, a student or retired.

Interestingly, unmarried couples reported greater gaps in happiness, with men saying that they were happier than women. Marriage counselors often see unmarried couples in which the female partner is no longer satisfied with the unmarried arrangement and wants to break up. Perhaps as singer, Beyonce, suggests, “…if you like it, put a ring on it”, to insure that the relationship will last.

Once there is a ring involved, the effort to keep both partners happy is not over. To avoid divorce and assure contentment, men and women need to both be happy in the marriage. Happiness requires good communication, affection and regular contributions into the “emotional bank account”.

For helpful relationship tips, free resources and excellent marriage counseling visit our website,
Portland Relationship Center.

A recent New York Times article by Tara Parker Pope, author of The Science of a Good Marriage, explores fidelity research and the commitment or “fidelity gene”.  Marriage counseling has long sought to prevent affairs. Pope concludes with the concept of Self-Expansion as a kind of commitment glue. The idea is pretty basic, sounds obvious ¬ to keep your marriage healthy and successful, do new things together, so you don’t have to switch partners to find excitement and stimulation.

Pope suggests that, “… it may not be feelings of love or loyalty that keep couples together. Instead, scientists speculate that your level of commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons…”  This concept of enhancing on another’s horizons is called self-expansion. Valuable relationship tips can be found in Pope’s article, The Science of a Happy Marriage.

Marriage counseling researchers used a series of questions to measure this quality and have the couples perform various silly, fun and novel activities together.  They asked couples:  How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

Marriage Counseling asks you to examine your own behavior first

Although we enter a relationship because other person expands us, we must also take personal responsibility to do our share of the expanding. In Imago therapy we would ask you to reflect upon your contribution to expansion. Ask yourself the questions that the researchers asked the couples:

How much do I provide my partner a source of exciting experiences?

How much has knowing me made my partner better person? How much am I instigating fun, affection, learning, love and adventure?

How much do I offer my partner ways to expand their own capabilities?

Marriage counseling researcher, Dr. Arthur Aron states that enhancement is why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels very excited in one another’s company. “We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together.”

Look at your contribution to enhancement and take positive action.  Be careful not to say, “We never do ________anymore!”  Instead say, “How about we do ____________ this week?” Take the initiative and use this relationship tip to refresh your connection.

The full article can be found at this NY Times link. To find more relationship tips visit our website, where you will find free resources, marriage counseling specialists and marriage education.

As a marriage counselor and marriage educator I spend a lot of time convincing people that they need a marriage education workshop. Afterwards, of course, every one of them thanks me for twisting their arms and getting them to attend.

I read this blurb in a newsletter I receive that focuses on relationship education.  The woman who was interviewed by a reporter from a men’s magazine challenged her about just how romantic such a workshop might be. Here’s what she replied, “The reporter said all my talk about Marriage Education and learning skills, wasn’t very romantic.  I countered that, “Actually, it’s very romantic!”  Seriously, I asked him, which is more romantic? To say, Beloved, I know the divorce rate for first-time marriages is 50% and much higher for remarriages, but I love you so much I want to marry you anyway.  Our love is SO special, I’m sure we can make it last.  Or, is it more romantic to say, Beloved, I want to marry you and I love you so much that I want to take a Marriage Education class and learn everything the experts know about creating and maintaining a smart, sexy, successful marriage – to make SURE we can make it last. It’s much more romantic to pull your head out of the sand and walk hand-in-hand into a Marriage Education class.  If you want to be really romantic, take several classes.  Cover your bases.”

Marriage education is the closest to a marriage guarantee you are going to get!

Romance can last a life time if we know how to stay in connection with our partner.  Any marriage counselor will tell you that if you want your relationship to succeed you need insights, information and tools that give you a greater chance. That is exactly what marriage education does…provide insights, education and tools for success.

Take a look at what Portland Relationship Center offers in marriage education. Follow this workshop link and check out Getting the Love you Want, our relationship course. Check out our Free Resources while you are visiting our website. There is a new audio featuring Tim and Norene talking about marriage education.

Sex is how men express their love. Marriage counselors have tried to help female partners understand this fact for years. Sexual passion occurs for a man when he feels his strongest emotional passion.

In her book, The Male Brain, neuro-psychiatrist Louann Brizendine claims to have decoded how and why men think the way they do. She believes that the meaning of men’s sexual desire is the one thing most misunderstood about men by their female partners.  The book explores how men and women’s brain differ and how these differences result in expressing love differently. The author’s work is on the healthy male brain and is not meant o cover the issues of men such as Tiger Woods have with serial cheating.

Marriage Counselors Suggest Accepting Differences, Not making judgments

In my 30 years as a marriage counselor I have seen the issue play out hundreds of times just as Dr. Brizendine describes, “A woman will call me up and say, “You’ve gotta save my marriage — my husband is threatening to leave if I don’t get more interested in sex!” When the couple is sitting in front of me, I’ll say ask the man, “How do you know your wife loves you?” He’ll say, “Because she wants to have sex with me!” But when I ask the woman the same question, she answers, “Because he wants to cuddle and talk with me.” It’s usually a big aha moment for both. Understanding the biological state of another person can very helpful — then, we can stop blaming each other for being different.”

In our couple’s workshop, Getting the Love you Want, we teach couples to understand the differences in our brains and to work with those differences versus feeling threatened or making negative judgments.  In sessions, Tim Higdon and I both work hard with couples to have a deeper understanding about their different Love Languages.

AOL health columnist, Michele Burford, gives some great advice in her online column, “When you reject your partner’s sexual advances, you hit the guy more deeply than he will ever admit to you. If you’re going to turn him down, find a way to do it gently. It’s one of the most loving things you can do.” To read the rest of the interesting interview with the author, click the link above.

This marriage counselor hopes that if you are doing a good deal of turning away sexual advances that you will seek marriage counseling from an Imago therapist. If sex is about romantic passion and love then it is vital that couples have their sexual love language spoken regularly.

Visit our website for Free Resources that can start helping your marriage today.

David Brooks, a nationally known columnist for The New York Times, recently wrote a column that every marriage counselor can attest to. The column asks the question, “Would you exchange a tremendous professional triumph for a severe personal blow?” Bullock had just won an Academy Award and promptly learned that her husband had been cheating on her. Brooks goes on to say that a successful marriage can endure several professional setbacks and still be a reasonably happy one. However, based on research studies on happiness, Brooks also states that no matter how many professional successes a person has, it doesn’t equate to personal fulfillment.

As I write this the marriage counselor in me can’t help thinking of what unfolded at the Masters Golf Tournament this year. Tiger Woods came back to the game to huge media hype after nearly losing his marriage. Was it too soon? Is he really going to continue therapy for sex addiction and learn how to stop cheating on his wife? Or is it another publicity stunt designed to cleanup his tarnished image? Also competing in the tournament was Phil Mickelson who had spent the past year being by his wife’s side while she fought cancer. Who do you think is happier? By the way, for those of you that don’t follow golf, Phil won the tournament and was spotted wearing the traditional green jacket at a Dairy Queen buying an ice cream cone the next day. I‘m not selling vanilla here. For me it speaks volumes about personal happiness.

Marriage counselors know that a good marriage is more important than anything, including a healthy income!

Brooks sites several research studies about personal relationships and happiness. One study found that being married produces the same psychological gain as an extra $100,000 a year. It seems like everyone I have worked with and listened to this past couple of years is struggling financially. Sadly the effect has been that some have chosen to leave their marriages, which usually leads to further financial loss. Losing a career or job is also on the hit list for failed marriages. Men particularly struggle with a loss of identity and become depressed. Emotional depression can lead to hopelessness, cheating on your spouse, withdrawing, alcohol or drug abuse and many exits to intimacy. Marriage counselors know that having a great relationship doesn’t resolve problems that are bigger than the two of us, but it does help us to weather the storms. You can read the article here on the NY Times website.

Here at Portland Relationship Center there is help! Our motto is “Make Up- Don’t Break Up!”. Take our marriage education weekend class Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop. You will restore the promise your marriage holds and gain the information and tools you need to make love last a lifetime! Then perhaps, follow it with marriage counseling to address your specific relationship needs.