Bend Marriage Counselor Says: Stop the Blame Game! Part II

August 28, 2010 by

As a marriage counselor I see far too much blame. Blame hurts, it kills love and it isn’t correct and useful information for your spouse.  Consider my relationship advice on how to stop the Blame Game:

  1. Realize when you find yourself blaming your partner that you have unexpressed feelings or needs. Ask yourself, “what are my feelings and how can I express them in a way that my partner can hear me”. “I” messages such as “I feel scared when you stop talking to me” can go a long way to keeping the lines of communication open.
  2. Focus your attention on your partners’ needs and desires. As you do your partner will become more open to you as well. Doing something you know your partner would appreciate will further goodwill between you.
  3. With deeper loss or trauma try to understand your partners’ pain and empathize. Seeing your partner as hurt or wounded can help you thaw out, change your blaming viewpoint and see him/her in a different and more hopeful light.
  4. Replace blaming with statements of appreciation for the positive contributions your partner makes to your relationship. They are there. It’s just that we are focused on where we are stuck.
  5. Seek professional help if you can’t seem to get past “The Blame Game” or if your marriage is falling apart. It’s not too late. You are one decision away from changing the course of “The Blame Game”. Contact Portland Relationship Center and seek out a marriage counselor.
  6. Finally, forgive and give gratitude. In his book The Benefits of Marriage, Mark O’Connell, PhD. writes, “When we replace grievance with gratitude we move toward the kind of radical acceptance that allows us to find meaning and purpose through life’s hardships and limitations.” Useful relationship advice lies in the skill of ending the habit of dwelling on resentments and starting a habit of dwelling on the positives.

For help finding a well trained marriage counselor please visit our website. There you will also find free relationship advice and tips. Consider attending a couple’s education weekend to gain skills that can help you end the Blame Game forever.