Join Norene Gonsiewski, LCSW and Tim Higdon, LPC in this fun and eye opening
1 day workshop. The Money Habitudes workshop is designed to help you to engage in productive conversations about money and understand the habits and attitudes that influence your actions and decisions regarding money. This workshop is the winner of several national awards for excellence in marriage education.

When: Saturday April 14th 9-5

Cost: $149 per couple, $79.99 individual

Location: Bend, TBD based on enrollment

This workshop is for you if:

• You argue about money

• You struggle with setting and sticking to your financial goals

• You are sometimes dishonest about your spending

• You spend more than you earn

• You and your partner think and feel differently about money

To Register: Sign up here
Or call our offices at 503 234-4440

Essentially, single people who want children but fear divorce and other relationship issues are deciding in larger and larger numbers to go it alone and raise a child – or children – as single parents. Many of these people believe that being in no relationship is better than a bad relationship, or simply don’t believe that marriage and parenthood have to, or even should, necessarily go together.

This thought process seems to be borne out by the picture in popular culture of parenthood getting in the way of relationships, and it’s hard to argue with this. Simply put, kids make things more difficult for couples. They cause rifts and relationship issues by their very existence. I see this firsthand as a Portland marriage counselor with my clients who have children. Their priority is their children, which often really means something like:

1. Children
2. Jobs so they have money to support children
3. Their relationship

Parenthood can’t help but displace your relationship as the most important thing in your life, and you’ll most likely have to work harder in your relationship to keep things as good as they were before you had children.

If things are just going to go south anyway, why even bother with the whole relationship or marriage thing? That seems to be the thought process, anyway.

Here’s where things get interesting, however. A separate report from Stateofourunions.org cites information saying that cohabiting parents are happier and suffer fewer bouts of depression than single parents, and married couples are the happiest parents of all.

Married Parents Are Happier and Have Fewer Relationship Issues

Now, before you and your spouse decide to solve your problems with your own little bundle of joy, take care to read carefully. Of all parents, married couples are the happiest. There are plenty of very happy couples out there who don’t have children.

If parenthood is something you want in your life, though, it seems like it’s a pretty good reason to work through your relationship issues with your spouse so that you can stay together in a happy marriage when you do have children. And while married parents do have to work harder to find satisfaction in their relationship, they also say that they feel more meaning in their lives when compared to couples without children.

It makes quite a bit of sense if you think about it. Becoming a parent, while amazing and joyful and beautiful, is also an exhausting nightmare of worry and sleeplessness and responsibility. As a single parent, you have to deal with all of that alone. But if you’re married, someone is there to share both the burden and the joy. And unlike an unmarried live-in partner, your husband or wife may be more likely to work through problems rather than simply leaving.

If you and your spouse are considering having children, contact a Portland marriage counselor today to work through relationship issues.

The study looked at the sexual activity and satisfaction of 806 older women. The median age of the participants was 67 years old, and 63% of the women were postmenopausal. Half of those participants who have a partner had been sexually active in the last four weeks, and 67.1% of these women reported that they achieved orgasm most of the time or always.

Regardless of partner status or sexual activity, 61% of the participants were satisfied with their overall sex life, and the oldest women in the study were most satisfied overall. In fact, those who were recently sexually active experienced orgasm satisfaction rates similar to the youngest participants.

One author of the study, Susan Trompeter, MD, offered this relationship advice: “Emotional and physical closeness to the partner may be more important than experiencing orgasm. A more positive approach to female sexual health focusing on sexual satisfaction may be more beneficial to women than a focus limited to female sexual activity or dysfunction.”

Seek Relationship Advice for Problems with Intimacy

If you are having problems connecting with your partner physically, it may be difficult to talk about your issues. Women and men experience sex differently and may have different desires and concerns, particularly as they age. Many couples find it helpful to go to Portland relationship counseling for relationship advice.

Portland Relationship Counselor: Sexually Healthy Marriage Secrets

In fact, experts on relationship and marriage problems have found that happy couples tend to do a number of things – sometimes automatically, sometimes with a bit of work – to keep their sex lives invigorated and humming along. These “moves” not only help to keep your sex life from petering out, but improve overall intimacy between couples.

Just do it. When my Portland relationship counselor clients tell me they haven’t had sex in months – or longer – my advice is often those three simple words: just do it. Often in our desire for sex to be “special,” we wait for an event and want it to be magical and Earth-shattering, but one common trait between happy, healthy couples is that they have sex regularly. Why? Because sex between partners makes you feel closer and more intimate with each other, which makes you feel better about your overall relationship. Now, this doesn’t mean that there’s a magic number for how often you should be having sex (some people need it every day; others are happy with once or twice a month), but it does mean that you should both be checking in with each other to make sure that you are sexually satisfied, and working to remedy it if one of you isn’t.

PDA. Touch. A lot. Especially when you’re not looking to have sex. Because if kissing or massaging always leads to sex, eventually one or both of you might start avoiding contact unless you are in the mood, and touching without sex will help maintain the closeness between you for those times when you can’t have sex.

Don’t withhold. If it’s one thing I’m sure of as a Portland relationship counselor, it’s that couples fight about anything and everything, and contrary to popular belief, this is actually a part of intimacy. We let ourselves be moodier with the ones we love because we feel comfortable doing so, and sometimes, it’s a healthy thing. But healthy couples never withhold sex out of anger or use it to barter with. In fact, kissing or cuddling during or right after a fight can actually bridge the divide between you and act as a nonverbal way of reinforcing that this fight – whatever it may be – isn’t going to destroy the love between you.

Know how to switch gears. For long term couples, being sexy with each other can get more and more difficult as life gets in the way. How do you move from paying bills, picking up dog poop, or rinsing baby spit-up off your shirt to getting intimate? Couples with the healthiest relationships tend to be playful with each other and find shorthand ways that signal to each other their desire to get intimate. It can be anything from pinching, tickling, teasing, or cuddling, to a simple raised eyebrow and acknowledgement that the kids are asleep.

If you are having marriage problems caused by sex, don’t be embarrassed to seek help from a knowledgeable Portland marriage counselor.

While it may seem like a stereotype to attribute this “Stupid Boy” quality to the men in our lives, this is one area where studies have actually shown that there’s at least some truth to the generalization. Northwestern University researchers a decade ago found evidence that women think more in terms of one-on-one relationships than men, and more recent biological date even seems to show that women are just better equipped neurocognitively than men to pay attention to and interpret others’ feelings. Essentially, women by nature are simply more in tune with the emotions of the people around them than men are.

Naturally, these differences are bound to cause relationship issues, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed! I’ve helped countless clients gain the tools they need to work through these kinds of issues so that they feel better connected – and it’s not limited to men; both partners have to work to meet in the middle.

“Cluelessness” Relationship Issues Require Men and Women to Meet in the Middle

Because men and women do have different ways of processing how they think and feel, asking one partner to change not only isn’t fair, it’s usually not feasible. When I work with my clients, I have each partner work on different skills.

For men, this usually means practicing recognizing and talking about their feelings, and learning how to listen carefully to their partner. Women, on the other hand, often need to learn that things that are “obvious” to them often aren’t to the men in their lives. When something bothers them, they can’t just assume that their spouses are going to pick up on it, they need to actually bring it up – and do so in such a way that focuses on how the situation makes them feel and why it’s important rather than unintentionally attacking their significant others.

If you’re having relationship issues related to “Cluelessness Syndrome” and can’t seem to get past them contact a Portland marriage counselor today.

But of course, finances aren’t the only concerns that stop couples from expanding their family. Ongoing marriage problems can keep couples from being ready to take the next big step, too.

Address Relationship Issues before Having a Baby

From my work in Portland marriage counseling, I can tell you that marriage problems don’t get any easier to deal with once children enter the picture. Some couples believe that having a child together will somehow fix things by strengthening the bond they have, but this is not often the case. Of course, a new baby is wonderful and can make you feel more connected to your spouse, but it’s also another responsibility which leaves you less time to focus on the health of your relationship. If you think it’s hard to find time for date night now, wait until you’re changing diapers and coddling a crying infant.

A new baby puts additional stress on your relationship, and you want to make sure that both of you are ready to handle it together. If you’re considering having a child or expecting a baby, one of the best things you can do to prepare for parenthood is to focus on improving your relationship skills. If you need help talking through relationship issues, I encourage you to seek Portland marriage counseling.

Unfortunately, what’s nearly impossible to see when you’re sleeping in half-hour shifts and swimming in dirty diapers is that it’s not the person you fell in love with that has changed, it’s your situation. And, let’s be honest, you. Who wouldn’t have relationship issues when they are sleep-deprived and constantly catering to the demands of a crying roommate who can’t do anything for him or herself? It’s normal, it’s natural, just about everyone goes through it, and it really stinks – even worse than those diapers!

Portland Marriage Counseling: What Happened to Us?

Having a baby changes both of you. Your life becomes about taking care of them and you will most likely feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself and your relationship. This doesn’t, however, mean that it has to stay lost. It may seem like you have no time to work on your relationship issues with an infant in the house, but that just means you have to work even harder – and smarter – to stay connected.

In Portland marriage counseling, I talk to my clients about finding sweet little moments instead of planning bigger things. You probably won’t be able to go out to the movies or a nice romantic dinner for a while, so take advantage of the ten minutes when baby is finally asleep and you’re both awake to actually talk to each other. Or if you’ve got backup (i.e. a relative or friend at the house), leave and go for a short walk alone around the neighborhood. Relish being alone together for whatever time you can get.

Also: plan. I’m fairly certain that more relationship issues between new parents have been caused by the increased amount of chores (and the related less amount of sleep) than anything else. Creating a daily or weekly chore list and splitting and switching up the responsibilities will help in a number of ways. There’s less chance of someone forgetting something, which with your lack of sleep will probably cause a fight. It will lower the amount of resentment you feel towards each other if you can see who is doing what and realize that you both probably feel like you’re doing 90 percent of the work. And finally, using some kind of organizational system just might provide you with a few extra minutes of downtime that you can use to sleep or spend time with each other – either one will help to improve your relationship.

If you and your spouse want more tips on surviving the relationship issues caused by a new baby, check out Portland marriage counseling.

The vast majority of older couples I see complain to me that their sex life just isn’t what it used to be. Perhaps they’ve forgotten how to be as intimate as they once were after years of having kids around the house. Or they don’t feel attractive, so they don’t seek out sexual activity with their partner. Or maybe the fulfillment they were receiving in their career disappeared after they retired.

Whatever the reason, they now feel unfulfilled in their sex lives and it’s causing relationship issues. In the past, many professionals had been taught to explain that this is just something to be expected as they age, but new findings suggest that we shouldn’t be so quick to write off a healthy sex life.

Portland Marriage Counseling: There’s a Relationship between Sex and Happiness

Research shows that older people who have sex more than once a month are 50 percent more likely to describe themselves as “very happy” than those who haven’t engaged in sexual activity for a year or more. For those in marriages, only 59 percent of people who hadn’t had sex in a year said they were happy, compared to the nearly 80 percent who were having sex once a month. Perhaps even more interesting is that about 60 percent of those surveyed said that sex was more fulfilling after age 50 than it was when they were in their 20s and 30s!

In my sessions Portland marriage counseling, I’ve learned firsthand that sex isn’t just about sex. My older clients who engage in regular sexual activity are not only happier and more contented in their marriage, experiencing fewer relationship issues, they’re happier in their lives overall. Research has even shown that older couples who are still intimate regularly are more satisfied with their appearance than younger people, and have a better quality of life.

While there are completely valid reasons to refrain from sexual activity as we age, such as health problems, don’t give up on your sex life just because you feel like you and your spouse are too old. If you feel like you need help talking about your sex life with your spouse, try Portland marriage counseling.

The study was conducted by researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project. They quizzed 2,870 married men and women on the role of generosity in their relationships. As it was defined, generosity could mean anything from expressing affection and forgiving your spouse to simply making coffee for them in the morning.

The people who scored highest in generosity – not the ones whose spouses are being generous to them, but those who act generously to their significant others – reported the fewest marriage problems and had the highest likelihood of calling their relationship “very happy.”

I often talk about commitment, communication, and intimacy, but being generous towards each other is something that seems to be just as important.

Portland Relationship Counselor: Better for Couples, Better for Children

Interestingly, whether or not you are generous in your relationship seemed to have even more of an effect on those couples with children. Only 14 percent of those with lower generosity scored were “very happy,” compared to 50 percent with higher scores.

Part of this may be attributed to the finding that more generous parents have more generous offspring, creating a sort of cycle of good feelings in the family. Even better, researchers believe that generous children are more likely to continue the behavior, which should lead to better relationships – and fewer marriage problems! – for them.
How can you and your partner become “generous”? John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, finds that happy “generous” couples say or do five positive things for every negative interaction. If you would like to learn what you and your spouse can do to show your generosity towards each other, contact a Portland relationship counselor today.

Well, a Psychology professor at Ohio State decided to test that theory in a study, and discovered that those numbers might a little on the high side. The median daily number of times men thought about sex was just under 19 times a day. For comparison, women in the study reported thinking about sex 10 times a day. Still almost double, but not the huge disparity you might have been expecting.

What might be more interesting, though, is that men not only think about sex more than women, but also eating and sleeping – essentially, biological needs. Looking at it this way, we can start to see how these differences in thinking might lead to relationship issues.

Relationship Issues: Do Men and Women Intrinsically Think Differently?

Another complaint I hear from women as a Portland marriage counselor is that their male partners don’t seem to understand or know how to deal with it when they are talking about their feelings. Based on this new research, it raises the question about whether this could be true simply because men aren’t thinking about those things in their own lives as much.

None of this means that members of the opposite sex should give up on each other, however. While the potential differences in the way we think may cause more relationship issues, learning about them gives us the opportunity to be more understanding and work harder to come together in ways that work for both partners. Perhaps if women engage men on a more concrete, physical level, and men can seek out their feelings when talking to their wives and girlfriends, everyone will get along better. It certainly seems simple and straightforward – which is exactly the problem I have with it.

We’re More Alike Than We Think, Says Portland Marriage Counselor

While the simplicity of saying men think more about their biological needs is nice, the truth of the matter, like most relationship issues, may be a bit more complex.

The lead author of the study admits as much when she says that whether a participant was male or female wasn’t the best way to predict who would think about sex most frequently, rather “you’d be better off knowing their emotional orientation toward sexuality.”

And later she says that women who tested higher on wanting to appear socially acceptable tended to report fewer thoughts of sex, which indicates that they are under-reporting their sexual thoughts because of what they think of as “typical expectations for women” – namely, that women aren’t supposed to think about sex as much. Interestingly, as they tried to meet societal expectations, those expectations for men – 8,000 sex thoughts a day?! – were proven to be incredibly overblown.

If you feel like you and your significant other are having relationship issues due to societal pressures, contact a Portland marriage counselor today.