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National Coming Out Day is October 11.   While this is a day set aside to honor the decision some GLBTQ persons make to come out to others, it also seems that this can be a day for all of us to look at what things we may be keeping secret from others (or maybe from ourselves) and whether or not that is something we can make a decision about whether to tell another person.  It may be that GLBTQ people can offer some perspective and maybe some relationship advice on how to make this decision.  Certainly this is a road almost every GLBTQ person has traveled—and maybe their journey has value to others in their decision-making process.

Relationship Advice versus Guidelines

What I have here are some guidelines to consider along the way:

1.    Obtain support, if possible.  It may be that you are in the beginning stage of this process and you may be telling this person hoping to obtain support but, as much as possible, try to find people who may have gone through something similar.  A relationships counselor or therapist (especially with relationship training) can offer an objective perspective to assist in the decision-making process.

2.    Do a pros and cons list of coming out with this piece of information to this person.  What are the benefits?  What are the risks?  Write them down.  This can make things much more clear when we write something down and get it out of our heads.

3.    Decide what it is you want from the person.  What, specifically, do you want them to know? Why is it you want this person to know?  Do you want emotional support?  Financial support?

4.    Whatever your decision is, decide on a reward befitting the decision.   No matter how it goes, give yourself some reward, whether a very positive pat on the back or going on a hike or buying a book you have been wanting to buy.  If nothing else and you decide not to tell the person, at least you can put it behind you.

5.    If you decide to tell the person, decide what you will do if it does not go well.  Call a friend?  Call your relationship counselor?  Have a safe place to go?  Have this planned out well in advance so that you don’t have to make this up at the last moment.  This is very important relationship advice.

I hope that this relationship advice  in the form of these guidelines are helpful in assisting you in making your decision and keeps you from relationship troubles.  There is no right way to go about this although others that you may talk to may tell you that what happened to them (positive or negative) is your destiny too.  You can take the relationship advice in these guidelines and apply them to your life as you see fit since ultimately, the decision is yours.

If you need more support or are looking for more relationship advice visit our free resources section.

Being fairly new to marriage myself and also early in my career as a marriage counselor, I have the above questions on my mind a lot in my personal life and in couples counseling. Why do couples fight so much and why does it seem so hard to repair connection after an argument? When my partner and I argue we end up feeling exhausted, misunderstood and confused. Most of the time we forget where the argument started in the first place. On a good day, we will laugh it off; on a bad day, we will remain safely distant from one another, hoping it will pass, letting aggression out in small passive ways, which in return creates a new argument. It is a grim situation that many or most married couples find themselves in. Those of us practicing couples counseling know these arguments seem like small issues but normally have deep underlying wounds, unmet needs and pain surrounding them.

The most dysfunctional aspect of arguments is that we react to our partners in the very way that guarantees that they will not understand us, validate or empathize with our needs. When we don’t get what we want from our partners, we react by getting angry, sulking, distancing, attacking, blaming and shaming. This in return makes our partners angry, hurt, blaming and shaming. Then being angry and or distant make us angrier and it escalates onward and upwards. All the fighting triggers are reptilian brain response until we are doing the fight or flight dance all night.

Couples Counseling Can Deliver Solutions To Reduce Arguments

What would it look like too repair an argument? It would mean that both partners are heard, validated and empathized with by the other partner. Each partner would create time to mirror, validate and empathize with their partners experience, wounds and unmet needs.  No one would try to be the top dog! We would throw away the idea that someone is always right and someone is always wrong. We would create space and intention to step into the others shoes with curiosity and love.  Marriage counselors help people to learn how to make this happen.

Intentional, is a key word in resolving arguments. Love, compassion and understanding are not heavily wired into our brains, especially when we feel threatened. Most of us need to learn skills to express our needs without feeling fear and shame. We also need a lot of support to hear from our partners how incomplete we are. Being a couples counselor and a partner in couples counseling, it is amazing to see how far some outside support and intentional dialogue can take a couple.

“How to Talk about Money” is a workshop for couples using the Imago dialogue and the expertise of a financial therapist. Norene Gonsiewski, LCSW and Brian Farr, LPC combine their talents as couple’s counselors to help you learn to have a healthy financial partnership.

• Understand your personal relationship with money.

• Learn what must be discussed about money and what gets in the way of those conversations.

• Leave with tools and a plan to improve your financial picture.

Presented by:
Brian Farr, LPC, specializes in helping couples talk about money without fighting. For 25 years prior to becoming a professional counselor, he was a founding partner of an investment management firm and a member/broker at the Chicago Board of Trade.

Norene Gonsiewski, LCSW, is a certified Imago therapist and workshop presenter who since 1980, has specialized in helping couples communicate successfully and stay connected about even the most difficult of topics.

Where: Phoenix Inn and Suites, Tigard
Time: Saturday 9-6
Cost: $350 per couple

Register online or for more information call Nathan at: 503-234-4440