Affairs Are Not Spontaneous, Says Portland Marriage Counselor

April 1, 2013 by

As a Portland marriage counselor, I’ve heard it all:

“I wasn’t intending for anything to happen, but one thing just led to another.”

“It’s not like I went looking for an affair.”

Here’s the thing though. There’s a good chance that’s exactly what you did. It might not have been conscious on your part, but most people who get involved in extramarital affairs do so because they put themselves in a position that makes it more likely to occur.

Maybe it’s drinks with a coworker or getting together with your old flame to catch up. Those sound innocent enough, and I’m not trying to say that it’s impossible for two people to remain completely platonic in those situations, but you’re increasing the chance that something could happen.

So how do you know if you’re subconsciously pushing yourself towards having an affair?

Portland Marriage Counselor: Signs That You May Subconsciously Want an Affair

None of these signs are 100 percent guaranteed proof that you’re looking for an affair and need relationship help, but they are at least signposts with big warnings that you should heed.

You have a work husband or wife. This is the person, usually of the opposite sex, with whom you have a close personal connection at work. It may just feel like a good friendship or a simpatico working relationship, but if you find yourself frequently sharing meals with this person (and only this person) or talking about intimate things, watch out.

You suddenly become interested in reaching out to exes. People who say they want “closure” or just feel curious about what their ex is doing are usually checking them out. If this leads to actual contact and multiple meetings, beware. Just because they seem innocent doesn’t mean they are.

You confess marriage issues to an attractive “best friend.” The things that go on between spouses should be private, regardless of whether things are going well or you’re feeling like you need relationship help. Complaining about annoying things your spouse does may seem like it’s just to get someone’s support, but look at it from another angle: you’re telling your hot friend that you’re unhappily married.

Don’t Screw Around – Talk to a Portland Marriage Counselor

If you recognize any of these actions in your own behavior and it worries you, don’t just shrug it off and keep going further down the rabbit hole. Pull back and talk to your spouse about it, or if you can’t do that alone, speak with an experienced Portland marriage counselor.